


Valentine, Texas

by Suchsmallhands



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - 1960s, Alternate Universe - Farm/Ranch, Alternate Universe - Historical, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Fluff, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Strangers to Lovers, Texas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:14:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 37,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25835569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Suchsmallhands/pseuds/Suchsmallhands
Summary: In August of 1969, Sirius takes a job in west Texas.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 27
Kudos: 85





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone, hope y'all are doing great. I wrote this story because I was on google maps one day, scrolling through the west side of my state and accidentally, somehow, landed on this town. I think the population is less than 150 now.  
> Some notes:   
> There's a lot going on in the 60's, such as the Great Migration, the civil rights movement, the Vietnam war, the beginning of the modern era movement for lgbtq+ people, and more that are not covered in this story. But they do help to keep in mind, as the 60's were a time of great social shifting, but still what seems like a big transitionary period which always means struggle.
> 
> [ This playlist contains most if not all the songs mentioned in text, as well as music I associate with the story. ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4ymxkbn7ZZFWJZjGZHSGfo?si=fd2KlG6dS8ObsfZdh48S4Q)
> 
> This story is complete and will update once edited.
> 
> My tumblr is @thisshipsailsitselff

Texas in the summer is mostly long hot days and comparatively cool nights. The farther west you get, the only shade there will be to hide you from the sun is man made, trees struggle. There’s water to go around for the things that know how to get to it. The season is long and, unavoidably, hot. Even the wind is stifling.

Nothing survives in the desert that doesn’t belong there.

Valentine was a tiny town. It was a one main road kind of situation, with buildings strung along. Some were sort of normal houses. Some were squat brick squares. All of them were visibly old and visibly weathered. Like the signs, as if they’d been erected in the forties and left alone for twenty years. There was a sense of isolation that clung to these little towns that Sirius found jarring. Everything was sparse. When he saw a play set inside a low, rusted chain link fence, he suddenly realized that there were actually children here. Little children, growing up and going to school.

Trains, and rail yards, attract heat like hot stones. So, Sirius took his work breaks on the porch of the rail station building, away from the repair yard. He washed his hands of the oil and grit and plopped himself down on the comfy little bench, propping his feet on the little rough table and lighting a cigarette while he cooled off. James was peeling an orange, similarly sprawled on an adjacent chair.

“Are you going to the post office today?” James asked, his tongue poking out while he picked at the orange, working to open it. The amount of times he had heard this sentence from him since they had arrived in this town…

“Did we not go two days ago?” Sirius griped.

“Uh, I don’t know. I thought it was more than that. Right?”

“I’m not getting anything from Regulus for at least two weeks, if you remember how the post system works.” Sirius playfully kicked his foot. “But I’ll go with you if you must see her again. I’ll even pretend I’m checking for mail.”

“Wait, has it only been two days? Maybe we should wait a little longer. I don’t want to irritate her. Let’s give it… I can’t wait _two weeks_ , let’s just go in about a week. Maybe that’ll give her time to miss me.” He looked up hopefully.

“Oh, I’m sure she can’t contain herself.” Sirius rolled his eyes and laughed.

“Hey!” James leaned forward to slap Sirius’ boot and opened his mouth to start a bickering match but the door to the inside of the rail station swung open to interrupt them.

The engineer from the office came out with another man and asked for James, who hopped up to be introduced. Sirius slumped back again and took a long drag as he watched James and the stranger talk just over by the railing. He sighed out the smoke. The man was about their own age, wearing a long sleeve, thin cotton shirt that looked worn out to hell and back. The sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, and he talked to James with his hands in his pockets. Sirius liked his arms. He wasn’t very muscular… just looked strong. He took a hand out of his pocket to lean against the railing, shrugging and tilting his head here and there. Sirius found himself indulging in a good stare while he smoked. He hadn’t seen such a handsome view since he and James had left from San Francisco last.

His lips quirked up and he looked away coolly. Now that he thinks of it, maybe never. He let the cigarette rest between his fingers as he picked up the remainder of James’ orange and chewed it while sneaking appreciative glances at the stranger.

* * *

Sirius stared at the rumpled directions in his hand, pinned against the car steering wheel, cursing James in his head. He was supposed to be here with him, rolling down a dirt road in the middle of _nowhere,_ hoping to end up at a stranger’s ranch. A handsome stranger, sure! But a stranger none the less.

 _If I get lost looking for a ranch in bumfuck Texas, I’m going to strangle him in his sleep. If I survive._ Sirius thought and grumbled uncertainly as he stared out at the blazing white sunlight on the dirt road in front of him, one hand on the wheel as the radio blasted Jimi Hendrix, _Foxy Lady_. It looked as if the path never ended, nothing to the right, left, or straight ahead.

The tires crunched and rumbled over the loose gravel as he eventually pulled into a gate with the name _The Last Star Ranch_ signed overhead. He sighed in relief and drove on towards a few buildings at the end of the lane. When he finally put the gear shift in park, he sat for a moment, staring at the farmhouse through the windshield. He quirked a brow.

“Where the fuck am I.” He muttered under his breath. With a wry look he pushed the door open and stepped out and pushed it shut with a bang. He stood beside the car for a minute and looked around. The farmhouse was old and the wood was bleached by time and sun, the walls looked soft but sturdy. There was a wrap around porch and chairs out front. To the right a ways stood a large barn and a few more buildings behind it, all surrounded by miles of waving desert grass, swaying in a gentle sirocco.

He made his way to the farmhouse door and knocked. And knocked again. And smooshed his face against the windows to see inside. There was no one home, as far as he could tell. He hummed and stomped down the steps and out to the barn. He strolled inside with his hands behind his back, peaking around at the empty stalls and dusty doors hung with horse tack and ropes and tools. He strolled down the breezeway, poking his head over stall doors into the quiet places where flies buzzed. Out the back of the stalls where the back doors were open, he could see the open fields under white blue sky. The inside was cool, cloaked in light shade and swept by the breeze designed to flow through. He kept wandering, hoping to find someone, when a dog barked at him and startled him. It was a short thing, a cattle dog.

“Sh!” Sirius waved at the dog, “Hey! It’s alright! I’m nice!”

He was just convincing the dog of his benevolence as the stranger from before came round from the open back end of the barn and called them back. Sirius straightened up and blinked at the man from before. He was roughly handsome now as then, but Sirius brushed that to the side.

“Hey! Sorry about that.” The man strolled up and gave him a handshake, “I’m Remus.”

“Hello! My name is Sirius. I’m here to take a look at the tractor?” Remus nodded in understanding and started leading back to where he’d come, out into a spacy paddock with a tractor stopped near the end.

“I thought the other, James, was coming?” Remus asked.

“It’s just me. James got caught up with one of the trains, the deadline pushed up, he couldn’t make it.” Sirius smiled at him, “But I’m sure I can satisfy all of your mechanical needs!”

Remus glanced over at him as they walked, stuttering out a raspy laugh in surprise. “Alright. Well, I hope so.”

They came up on the tractor and Remus gave him the explanation of all his attempts at fixing the machine, the history of the trusty thing, and Sirius crawled around it inspecting. He peered at Remus from a crouch.

“Damn, that’s a piece of work.” He stood up, putting his hands on his hips. “I gotta go back into town and pick up some parts but it should fix up!” He smiled helpfully.

Remus gave him a thankful, polite smile. “That’s good to hear. Well you’re welcome around whenever you get the time. I think we might could get it to the barn if we need to, so you could have shade while you work.”

“No, no, not to worry! It’s just fine here.”

“Alright, then.” Remus shrugged a shoulder, nodded. “Can you do it for three hundred?”

“Wh- oh, no! No, I’ll just fix it, no need for that.”

“Are you sure?” Remus gave him an odd look, “At least let me pay for parts. James and I didn’t get the chance to talk about cost, when we spoke.”

“Absolutely not.” Sirius gave him a very earnest stare, “Just let me fix it, it’s no problem.”

Remus looked away at the tractor with a hum and a thoughtful frown. _I really don’t need the money,_ Sirius thought. But it typically didn’t do well to mention that in off hand.

“Well, alright.” Remus turned toward the barn, “We’ll just think about it, get back to it.”

They strolled back and Sirius thought, _we certainly won’t, cowboy._ Not for such a rugged, kind mannered man. He had a few stray scars on his cheek and lip that caught Sirius’ eye. Even if it were a chore… Sirius had just never had a reason for extra cash. But it was no chore.

“Are you from around here?” Remus asked politely.

“I grew up in California.” Sirius smiled.

“Oh,” Remus nodded, “I thought you sounded a bit different.”

“Yes, I was raised in San Francisco. James and I both.”

“Mm,” Remus nodded. “He a brother?”

“I like to say so.” Sirius laughed, “Not quite by blood, though.”

They walked on through the peaceful quiet of the barn, into the unforgiving August sunlight once again, and the dog strolled behind them with a tongue lolling.

“That yours?” Remus asked, looking at the car parked at the mouth of the road. They paused together.

“Yeah, yeah it’s mine.” It was a Chevy Impala, black as night, looked fresh off the lot, shiny if not for the pale yellow dust of the wheels.

“Damn.” Remus said plainly. Sirius thought he could see the understanding moving like shadows behind his eyes.

“I’ll be back tomorrow, if that’s good for you?” Sirius offered.

“See you then.” Remus smiled politely, warm and brief. They parted and when Sirius turned the key, he watched Remus’ back as he walked through the barn, picking up a bucket.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Here is the tumblr post for this fic.](https://slappinwolfstarfics.tumblr.com/post/626123788839518208/valentine-texas-author-suchsmallhands-word)
> 
> If you would like to get some imagery for this fic, please feel free to visit my blog @thisshipsailsitselff under the hashtag [valentine.](https://thisshipsailsitselff.tumblr.com/search/valentine)
> 
> Happy reading, happy summer, have fun y'all.

Sirius came the next day with tools and a few parts which he carried out to the tractor and got to work. The heat of the day rose steadily in the afternoon. Remus showed up with a quiet invitation to come inside and have a break. Sirius squinted up at him from his sprawl on the course grass, wearing a white shirt and jeans, saw Remus looking down at him with a barely visible quirk to his lips. Sirius leapt to his feet and followed him into the house.

Inside the house was cooler. Comforting in its aged and lived in way. The front door led into a sitting room which was clean but cluttered with books and papers scattered around the cushioned old chairs, all facing toward a fireplace. There was a staircase that led upstairs and, past the living room, an old kitchen at the back of the house with windows letting in the light and a rickety door which Remus propped open to let the breeze in.

This must be that southern hospitality he’d heard about.

Sirius sat at the kitchen table, delighted, and crossed his long legs, propping an elbow on the table. Remus didn’t seem to look at him very much, even his intermittent checks were glancing and brief. No opinion was obvious from his gaze.

“You have such a lovely kitchen.” Sirius gazed brightly up at him as Remus handed him a glass of cool, sweet tea. “When was the house built?”

“Oh,” Remus puffed a breath, “I can’t say I know for sure. It’s been around… I know it was here around 1900 at least.”

“Wow.” Sirius raised his brows. “It has been around.”

Remus handed over a loaf of bread and some cheese and cashews, to which Sirius hummed _thank you._

Remus sat down at the small kitchen table and they started to eat together, pleasant in quiet aside from the occasional bird sound from the door. Still he was eager to talk, as he usually was.

“Is it just you here?”

“Mm,” Remus nodded, “Yeah, just me. My dad passed in, about, ‘63 and my mom in ‘65.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” His voice quieted, it hadn’t been all that long.

“S’alright.” Remus waved a hand and cut off a piece of cheese. “Anyways, the place was theirs and now it’s been mine since. Can’t really afford to hire a hand, and the work’s not too bad.”

“D’you ever get lonely out here?” He ventured with a smile. Remus looked up at him from the bread and laughed quietly as he leaned back.

“I don’t mind it.” He looked away and took a drink, licking his lips, running a hand under his shirt to rub his shoulder. “But yeah, sure. Sometimes.”

“So what do you do? All day out here on your wide open spaces.” Remus smiled at that.

“Raise cattle. It’s a cattle ranch.”

“Cattle? Were those your cows I saw driving in here?”

“Probably.”

“Mm, I see.”

“What about you?” Remus asked, pooling a pile of cashews to himself and cracking them open methodically as he ate. “You work at the train repair station?”

“Me and James work there together, he’s better at it than me, but it’s good work for both of us and it keeps us together. I prefer working on smaller machines.”

“Smaller? Like cars?”

“Exactly. I want to build a motorbike one day.”

“I can see that.” Remus looked him up and down with a laugh, “I can imagine that, I mean. How did you get into repairing trains?”

“Well, James’ parents are partial owners of the Union Pacific and James was always interested in working with his hands, so his parents got him hired on and he’s been doing that ever since. I’ve been living with James since I was sixteen, so I just followed him into it. That’s how we ended up here.”

“In Valentine? Y’all took a job posting here?” He asked skeptically.

“Yes! We’ve always liked to see new places. We got a job in Corpus Christi for a while, before going back to San Francisco. I think we’ve just always wanted explore.”

Remus crunched a cashew and gave him a wry smile for a minute before speaking. Sirius watched his response play on his face while he waited for him to speak.

“Well, you’re a long way out. I think Marfa has a train station, it’s just down the road but the populations a bit bigger. You didn’t want to go to Amarillo? Or El Paso?”

“I don’t know.” He shrugged. “This was one of the first postings we saw. And we’ve been through big cities. Valentine seemed different.”

“Well it’s no big city.” He shrugged with a bemused look. He seemed confused by the choice to come here.

“Did you grow up here?” Sirius asked, eyes wide and curious and pretty. Remus looked away, promptly stood and took his glass to go refill it as he answered.

“Grew up right here. Just me and my parents and the occasional ranch hand.” He set the glass back down in front of him, Sirius humming a polite thank you, and settled again. “What about your parents?”

Sirius’ expression remained open and light, but a shadow crossed it, as if the shutters on a window rustled in memory of closing.

“My parents still live in California. They’re relatively new there. The family comes from the east coast, before me. We moved west in the 1800’s.” Remus’ brows rose and his eyes fluttered at that.

“What do they do?”

“They’re rich.” He answered. Remus blinked at him with surprise. “I mean, they’re making a lot in the oil business right now. But the family has been old money for at least three or four hundred years, probably more. So, I suppose they’re managing oil. But mostly they’re just rich.”

“Oh.” Remus raised his brows and blew air out slow. “Well, shit. I suppose that’s good.”

Sirius tilted his chin down and raised a brow with a dry humorous look.

“ _I_ don’t get any of it. I’ve been cast out. Or I cast myself out.” He shrugged, “Either way, it’s not my inheritance anymore. But my uncle helps me out and James is always there. And I have a good job.” He smiled.

Remus nodded quietly and his eyes drifted down. He seemed to understand what that meant. _I’m disinherited but jokes on them I’m still rich as piss._

“Sorry for the… casting out.” Remus mumbled lightly.

“It’s alright.” Sirius stared at him as he was always one to do, clear grey eyes unfaltering. “They were the hateful kind. Stuck in their ways. And I’m not.”

Remus met his eyes at that, and his gaze was softer. It seemed Sirius evaluated him, watching him for signs. Remus let him. He nodded silently.

“That’s good.” He murmured. The two of them sipped tea in the silence for a moment, watching the desert grass, yellow and grey and green, clinging to the dust and the rocks.

  


* * *

  


The tractor was only in need of parts, fixing it took maybe a day and a half. Dragging it out and pretending that he was having a highly intense time of it, assuring Remus _Oh, it’s a tough one but it’ll get working right as rain!_ did take three days. Pretending to struggle, accepting tea in the kitchen, and dozing with the cattle dog (Pitch was her name) in the shade of the tractor all took time.

Sirius took to hanging around later and waving charmingly whenever he and Remus crossed paths, always making a basically ineffective attempt at looking busy. He got used to Remus’ way of shaking his head and smiling, looking away and not responding.

On the third day, Sirius was in the barn leaning over the door to a stall, reaching his hand out to the horse inside. He clicked his tongue and cooed invitingly, waving a piddly tuft of old hay from the floor at her.

“Here, horsey!” He chirped quietly, “You want a snack?”

The horse’s great eyes were incredibly sleepy, flicking to him and away, one of her back legs cocked and folded just so as she leaned on the other hoof. Horses were a great deal bigger than he had thought they were. “Here!” He cooed, waving the old hay again. Her great big head swung slowly toward his hand, her nostrils wiggled and her great lungs whooshed out air like a sleeping dragon. She shifted her weight and swung her head away, ears flicking lazily. Uninterested. Sirius stretched up more so he was half on top of the gate, trying to get closer to her. She lifted her head toward the barn entrance and her ears faced forward. He followed her gaze and saw Remus standing with a half smirk as Sirius jumped down and whirled around in surprise.

“Hey!” He leaned on the gate as if acting cool. Hoping he came across funny and or charming.

“How’s it going in there?” He quirked a brow at the horse.

“She’s a tough nut to crack.” Remus nodded understandingly in return, agreeing.

“Do you want to go for a ride?”

Sirius’ brow shot up at this.

“A ride?”

“Yeah,” Remus shrugged, “You got the time?”

 _Oh, yes._ Sirius thought, face lighting up with more earnest excitement.

“Sure! Yeah! I’d love to!” He hovered around Remus as he stepped into a small tack room and picked up a bridle and blanket and handed it to Sirius who hummed in curiosity, making him smile and name each thing he gave him. The feed room, just nearby, smelled like sweet grain feed and the must of several years of hay. Remus leaned over a saddle rack and picked up a saddle, hefting it up and off easily and leading them back out to the breezeway where they put the gear, setting the saddle on the ground leaned on it’s horn.

“We gotta call the other horse in.” Remus explained and Sirius followed him into the stall with the mare. Sirius hadn’t dared step in on his own, and secretly he hesitated to step in next to the great big creature, but he followed in behind Remus bravely. Remus leaned out the back of the stall and let out a great whistle. He pushed against the stall door so that it banged against the barn and made noise.

“There, he’ll come in.” Remus said and then he picked up the bridle and Sirius stood close next to he and the mare while Remus showed him how he put it on.

“There we go, just like that.” Remus chirped with a cute little smile as the horse chewed her great jaws and slipped the bit into her mouth. “Want to pet her?” And he rubbed his hand over her long soft nose while Sirius reached out and touched the side of her neck. She was warmer than he’d expected, bringing a little smile to his face.

“I’ve never ridden a horse before.” He offered. Remus pursed his lips and nodded.

“I gathered.”

“Hey!” Sirius laughed. Remus led the horse out of her stall and Sirius watched him make quick work of putting her tack on. Sirius leaned in close to her long neck, touching and petting her as if they were familiar, while he watched him throw on her blanket and saddle in a surprisingly quick manner. Sirius asked questions about this and that and Remus cinched the girth under her great torso.

By the time she was ready to go, the other horse had come in and Sirius chattered with Remus while he made fast work of tacking. This horse was a lighter buckskin shade, with a dark mane. He was longer and heavier than the first horse.

“You’re pretty good at that.” Sirius told him, thinking _I bet you’d teach me how to do it._

Then it was time to go and Remus tied off the other horse to a hook on the wall, who snorted and whipped his tail impatiently. Remus came up to stand at the mare’s shoulder with Sirius in front of the saddle.

“Alright now, just put your hand here.” Remus tapped the saddle horn.

“Okay.” Sirius nodded firmly and took hold of it.

“Foot right here. Just in there, yep, like that.” Remus held the stirrup as Sirius wiggled his foot in.

“Okay, now just, easy does it, stand up on that foot and swing your other leg over the side.”

Sirius nodded and, with concentration and a moment’s preparation, he stood up on the stirrup. The whole saddle shifted down with his weight, making a great creaking noise as it slid off her back to his side. He scrambled to lean over her back and swing his leg around over her back, Remus saying “up, up” as he made it up.

“There ya go.” Remus smiled up at him. Sirius held on to the horn with both hands, sitting a little crookedly and becoming suddenly aware of how high up it seemed as he looked down at Remus bewilderedly.

“I’m on a horse!” Sirius laughed. Remus did that thing he does, eyes flicking away from him as he laughed, a perfectly honest smile baring teeth. He helped Sirius put his foot in the other stirrup and shift his weight on it to straighten the saddle out on her back. The horse seemed to shift irritably, until the saddle was settled comfortably. Overall, she’d been still and patient through the whole thing.

“Sorry, girl.” Sirius patted her neck and leaned carefully forward to peer at her face. “What’s her name?”

“Ma’am.” Remus looked up at him.

“ _Ma’am.”_ Sirius gave him an incredulous look, raising a fine brow. Remus’ face split in that mischievous grin. Looking down at him from horseback was a whole new and marvelous view.

“Yes Ma’am.” Remus said, purely cheeky. Sirius threw his head back and barked a laugh.

“What kind of name is _Ma’am?”_ Sirius asked as Remus abandoned his side. He felt a thrill, as if he was alone on her back, while Remus untied the gelding and swung up into his saddle as if the horse was five hands high and not fourteen.

“ _I_ didn’t name her.” Remus explained with a handsome, jaunty look over at him, now both of them at the same height. “My mom named her.”

“Oh.” Sirius hummed, wide eyes curious. He noticed how Remus’ horse shifted under him, throwing his tail around and grunting and snorting. “What’s his name?”

“This is Top Cart.” Remus introduced and he let his horse start walking out of the barn. Ma’am followed after them just behind, in line, without any instruction from Sirius. Sirius grabbed on to the horn and squeezed his knees against her sides in surprise, her ears flicked back sharply toward him at that squeeze, as if listening to his shifting. He held on to the reins and the horn, watching Remus’ back as they emerged into the open air and out towards the desert. Evening was falling but there was still at least an hour of sunlight. The sun hung in the sky still blazing but casting longer shadows. “I didn’t name him either.”

“Well, who _did_ you name, Remus.” He teased.

“The dog.”

“Pitch?”

“Yeah. My dad got her for extra help moving the cows and let me name her.”

“Why Pitch?”

“All she wanted to do was play fetch.” Remus shrugged, “Couldn’t name her Fetch.” Sirius hummed in agreement.

“Why’s he so antsy?” Sirius asked, raising his voice. Top Cart’s head was raised high, watching the pale yellow patches of grass ahead of them as they walked out onto the plain and out through a fence. His steps were light and he seemed to lean forward. The fence was some kind of long dried and cracked wood, with barbed wire strung between each post. The gate they passed through was already open.

“We adopted him, he was a roping horse for the rodeo before we took him. He doesn’t want to do anything slow, rodeo horses can be kind of high energy. It’s just the way he is.” Remus said, turning his head to his side when he spoke so that his voice drifted over his shoulder. He was wearing a plaid dusty button down shirt, the sleeves pushed up to the elbows.

“Hm.” Sirius tipped his head, “That’s fair. I think we share that, really!”

Remus chuckled. “Maybe when you become a roper you and him can compete together.”

“I’m sure he’d like that!” Sirius chirped. “Is he fast?”

“Oh yeah. But what’s more important is he can stop.” Sirius pictured the image he’d seen once of a woman roping a cow, the horses hooves dug into the ground and muscles rippling to a sudden stop.

“You know I don’t think I’m really doing anything back here. Am I supposed to be… I don’t know steering something? She’s just walking. Should I be doing things?”

“She’s just following me.” Remus said as Sirius patted her neck again, watching her ears tilt back listening to him. “If you want to learn, I’ll tell you how to ride her. But for now you don’t have to do anything, just try and make sure you don’t pull on her reins, leave ‘em loose. She’ll just go wherever I go.”

“Oh,” Sirius cooed at her. “She’ll take care of me, is what you mean. Won’t you Ma’am?”

“She’s a good girl.” Remus smiled over his shoulder fondly, “She knows you don’t know what you’re doing.”

“What!” Sirius gasped, “Keep your voice down! Do not listen to him, Ma’am. He and I have an inside joke about my riding skills. But it’s just jokes!”

Remus’ head tilted back with his laugh. “That’s why we put you with her. She doesn’t mind you. Top Cart knows you don’t know what you’re doing, too. But he would take advantage. He might want to take _you_ for a ride.”

“Oh, Remus. I _am_ a prideful man, you know. You wound me. Ma’am and I are just… we’re just not listening to you! Don’t mind him, old girl. We’ll learn.” _Prideful, yes. But also shameless. And wondering if that works for you._

“Not old, she’s only just turned eleven.”

“She’s just _wise.”_ Sirius purred and played with her mane. They were quiet for a while as the desert grass passed under their hooves, heading toward the distant looming figure of a plateau on the horizon. Behind them and to their sides, the earth and sky stretched unbroken as far as the eye could see. After ten or so minutes of chatting and laughter passed between them, Sirius spotted the herd ahead of them, gathered in the shallow valley between two hills.

“Look!” Sirius sat up in the saddle, horse drawing to a stop behind Remus who had paused in place as they looked at the herd. Remus turned around waved him forward, he kicked his heals against her sides gently and she pulled up beside Top Cart. “What are we going to do?”

“All you’re gonna do is just let her follow me. Most important thing to know is the breaks, pull back on her reins. Don’t yank, just pull into your hips until she stops. If you want to turn her, just like this.” Remus lifted an empty, closed hand as if holding the reins. He leaned his hand to the left and right over the horse’s withers. “Most the time, the herd just walks on home. They know where they’re going. If there are any strays I’ll break off to grab them. She’ll probably just follow behind the cows.”

“Okay.” Sirius nodded, excited just for little of nothing.

“Probably just an easy walk home.” Remus nodded. “Only thing is, she has a little bit of an attitude with the cows. If she gets too close, she can bite ‘em. She’s kind of like a… well, like Pitch. But other than that…” He shrugged.

“Yeehaw.” Sirius beamed, thankful he’d worn jeans. Remus’ face crimped with a half pained laugh.

“Yeehaw.” Remus echoed and with just a slight squeeze of his knees, signaled Top Cart forward. He trotted immediately and Ma’am followed at the same gait. Sirius instantly suffered for the jostling, rough motion. He tried to adjust and mirror the way Remus sat, as his horse pinned her ears back irritably at his bouncy riding.

The ride from then on was mostly quiet, with more distance between their horses as they bracketed the back of the herd. Sirius watched the desert move around them, the sun lowering toward the horizon as they moved toward home. The sky ripened with sunlight as it glanced across the earth’s atmosphere, casting a piercing orange light across the rocks of the desert. It seemed like the clay of the earth changed color, saturating until it looked like a painting. Behind the cattle, a slight cloud of dust drifted up and dissipated in the breeze. The sunlight pierced the unsettled dust, turning it yellow orange. The ground beneath the hooves cracked and talked with their footsteps, like tiny glass pieces in a bowl. The evening drew on and the insects seemed to start singing as the shrikes and wrens took flight and swooped through the slowly cooling sky.

Sirius’ eyes followed the world, wide and wondering. The light turned pale and bloody. Violent, before the sun disappeared and left behind its afterglow, a soft and caring violet blue dusk.

The farmhouse came into sight with a good amount of light left on the sky, the herd funneling through the gate into the pasture nearer to the farm. With the barn in sight, they paused at the gate while Remus maneuvered Top Cart around so he could pull it closed and loop a chain around the fence post. Then he sidled up next to him.

“Howdy, partner.” Sirius nodded and tipped an imaginary hat to him.

“Oh, you’re a cowboy now.” Remus nodded in understanding, raising his brows.

“Did you see me out there? I mean…”

“You were amazing.” Remus allowed, “Solid six out of ten. Though I think five points always goes to the horse.”

“ _Five_ points! That only leaves me one! Not that _you’re_ not a five, my lady, you’re _more_ than a five. You’re a ten, at least.” He threaded her mane between his fingers, beginning to braid it.

“Alright, city boy.” Remus murmured, “Let’s get home.” The sound of his voice, the soothing tone, still echoed around in Sirius as they headed to the barn, moving like a shadow that warmed what it touched.

In the barn, the last of dusk was winking out and crickets were singing while Sirius followed him in untacking the horses and brushing the heated, slightly damp fur where the saddle had rested. Remus gave him a treat to give to Ma’am.

On his way out, Sirius paused beside where the cars were parked, one beside the other. There was Sirius’ muscle car, gleaming lowly even in the light of the moon, and Remus’ old truck that looked like it may have seen better days or years.

“Well, the tractor is running splendidly.” Sirius said, leaning against the side of the truck’s hood. “Should be good to go for a while yet.”

“Oh.” Remus nodded, “Thank you. I heard you starting it up a few times, sounded great. Thank you…” An awkward moment seemed to pass before he blurted, “I’ve still got three hundred if you want it.”

Sirius chose to ignore that and smiled politely at him, “You’re welcome.” Then with a thoughtful hum, he turned his head to look at the truck he was propped against, considering. He lifted a hand and slapped it on the hood. “You know, this is a relic. Ancient. I think this was built in the fifties, the _early_ fifties. What do you think I take a look at it? I heard it running earlier. It could use a checkup, I think. Thoughts?”

“I mean, if you want to, of course. I’d be thankful, that’s, that’s kind of you.” Remus’ hands were in his pockets.

“I won’t worry about it if you don’t think it needs it. But if you think so, I’d be more than happy.” Sirius said, meeting his eyes as their voices paused and only the crickets spoke. There was a steady quality to his gaze, measuring and watching him for responses, bold so far as he can get away with.

“I think it could probably use a check under the hood.” Remus nodded reasonably, eyes shifting to the truck. “Hasn’t been looked at by a mechanic in a couple years.”

Sirius smiled and raised his chin, “Wonderful. I’ll be back around when I’m off work to take a look!”

They said their goodbyes, privately satisfied as they both parted from a sort of chess game that Sirius contrived, to put them both in a position they favored. The Impala rolled into the night down the long dirt road on to highway 90, headlights threading a yellow string between The Last Star and Valentine, as the first gleaming lights in the sky returned.

  


* * *

  


Sirius was back promptly, popping the hood of the old Ford and working on it honestly while Remus worked out of sight. The heat of August was unforgiving, and he sometimes took breaks just to lay across the front seat of the truck with his legs hanging out of the open door, dozing in the heat. The truck really was in need of attention and he realized early that it would be more than just an excuse to linger on the ranch. He got distracted by the work and ended up losing long hours under the hood and sweating under the truck in the dirt. Lunch time became a shared affair between Remus and Sirius, sandwiches and tea or water and ice. Once, Sirius brought a watermelon from town and they sat on the porch just outside the kitchen, cross legged and pampered by the shelter of the shade and the sweet water of the fruit, spitting seeds at each other.

Once the truck was up to his standard, Sirius followed Remus around while he worked. He started with tagging along curiously, either as a generally lazy watcher on who lounged and told Remus everything on earth about music he liked or California, or as a sometimes amusing jester who could sing every word of _Baby Love_ by The Supremes along with an enthusiastic dance routine which gave Remus stitches. After a few days of this he, as he naturally progresses, in good compliance with the law of entropy, became a slightly aggravating mischief maker. At this, Remus put a bucket in his hands and set him at a task. He took to it like one with a habitual surplus of energy would do.

On a day when cloud cover lingered and banished the heat temporarily, Remus put just a bridle on Ma’am and packed a bag of barbed wire and some tools. Remus hopped up on her back in the barn and proceeded to laugh while Sirius struggled to get up on her bare back with him.

“ _Very_ funny!” Sirius griped, having watched in delight as Remus stopped to collect himself. “Very funny, Remus. And I suppose you enjoy making a fool of me in front of a lady.”

“Come on, here, just, just try to jump up on your belly.” After two faulty attempts, Sirius managed to get himself slung over her on his front.

“What am I a _deer_ you’ve caught? I’m _not game!”_ Sirius managed with a strained voice as he wiggled and, with Remus grabbing onto his belt to help him along, he managed to sit upright behind him. He huffed air and collected himself with much dignity, pushing the hair out of his face.

“Alright!” He announced. “Nothing to it. The good old fashioned way. Who needs a saddle, it’s only a convenient tool for securing one’s ass to the horse, what’s all the fuss about.”

“You good now?” Remus asked and passed the tool bag to him. Sirius felt simply naked without the saddle, like he would fall off, when she started to walk on. He held the bag between their bodies and held on lightly to the back of his shirt. Perhaps in a way a man wouldn’t with another man, but in a way that tested him and sent messages hidden in a bottle, the kind that could be easily denied if confronted.

They followed the fence line out for a long while, until they reached a weak point that looked about ready to collapse. When trotting, Sirius had clung with hands and legs to the horse so tight his body ached in pain when they finally dismounted and knelt by the fence to work.

Eventually Sirius felt the coast was clear enough to ask: “Is there a story behind your scars?”

There was something that happened when they left the farm. The farm was isolate, private. You could talk there. But Sirius could feel what happened when they came away, out into the shrub and the wind, out of sight. The words came here that wouldn’t, even at the farm.

Remus kept his attention on the barbed wire as he worked, but his face stayed comfortably open and pleasant. He was starting to notice that Remus had two types of pleasant expressions. Either the genuine one or the one that looked almost exactly the same only slightly different, which he used when something was thinking or feeling inside him, but he wouldn’t show it.

This was the honest one.

“Yes.” He supplied.

“Is it okay… can I ask what happened?”

Remus paused and peeled the gloves off his hands and wiped the sweat off his brow with his forearm, Sirius relaxed similarly.

“It was a wolf, actually.” He looked over, “No telling how rare that is. There used to be Mexican grey wolves in the Chihuahua Desert. But they’re pretty much gone now. Extinct or run off. Anyway, there was at least one still around. I just got caught on my own, I guess. It was winter, I was playing with the chickens. Never saw it coming. I think he came for the birds but went for me.”

“How old were you?”

“Five.” Sirius frowned at that and Remus shrugged with a little crooked smile, “What are you gonna do, right? Some bad luck.”

“What happened then?” Remus was looking at him, but his eyes flickered across his face and he couldn’t focus against Sirius, his beautiful features.

“I cried.” He blinked back from the distraction. “My parents heard me crying and my dad came running. The wolf was already running away, spooked. He picked me up and they threw me in the car and gunned it to the hospital.”

“They must have been terrified.”

Remus looked away, considering. “They were pretty hardy folks. Real cool, you know, not ones to panic. But yeah. Mom said she held me in her lap and pressed her cardigan to my face and just didn’t let go. I’m sure they were terrified.” He paused and smiled. “She saved the dress she was wearing that day, ‘cause there was a little drop of blood on it. She called it her bad luck catcher.”

“She sounds… wonderful. They both do.” Sirius said, and they slowly started back to work. “I couldn’t imagine something happening like that, as a parent. You’re their only child.”

“Yeah.” Remus nodded and added quietly, “We were pretty close.”

Then, for the rest of the work they did, there fell another one of those natural silences that seemed to appear between them and the land sometimes. Silence, in the past, made Sirius tense or moody. Or itchy. It unnerved him. Put him back into those Victorian homes, sat in a chair, trying to mind his manners but chafing in the unending silence of the house. Children aren’t meant to be quiet.

Only James had been able to give Sirius their own version of these spaces of safety in silence. It seemed here as if the desert prompted them to it. It hummed, and invited them to be silent and listen. Or it was just the deep comfort of sitting beside each other, of being able to look his fill. To reassure himself constantly of the vision of his companion, to look at his hands while he worked, to stare at the slope of his back, to watch his eyelashes catch specs of dust. To escape into the quiet that Remus allowed to live between them. Somewhere separated from the wide world as it spun around them in unseen chaos.

  


* * *

  


Every evening, before the sun set, they drove the herd home from the land. Sirius left the ranch at night tired, and sleepily relayed his day to James who in return did the same. They swapped stories about Remus and Lily. James had succeeded in going on a day trip with Lily to Alpine and strolling the small city and shops.

One Sunday morning was particularly sweaty and hard-working on The Last Star, and Sirius demanded they take the day off before they even finished lunch. Remus shrugged and that was that. It felt delicious to stay in the house after they’d eaten. Sirius washed his hands and face in the kitchen sink and let his hair out of its tie, took his shoes off, and promptly began wandering the house. Remus didn’t follow him and he was left to his own devices for thirty minutes or so as he inspected the washroom and living room and little dining room, all of the decorative plates that Remus’ mother had collected which he’d left in the display case she’d put in the dining room. The bathrooms, the shelves of records collected by the fireplace. He realized that Remus was in fact fairly up to date on current music, somehow. He wondered if he drove to the neighboring cities just to buy these records. Some of the collection was old, from the thirties and forties, their parent’s times. Some country records from Loretta Lynn and Tammy Wynette and Marty Robbins. Forties war time records, like Vera Lynn, and their fair share of Dean Martin. He made his way up the stairs, after glancing around for witnesses first, slowly peeking down the hallway. The bedroom door was standing open but Sirius avoided it and instead slinked in to the next room.

It was a study. Given pause, he stood at the door and stared at the room. There was a desk facing the window that looked out over the land, he could see the barn from here, and Top Cart grazing on a haybale. The desk was quality wood, one of the few things in the house that Sirius recognized as expensive and fine craft. Even so, it was an old and well loved piece of work. There was a wall lined with books. Some were text books, some newspapers, some shelves were less full and some were crammed. The little library was hardly an orderly scene, but well kept nonetheless. To the opposite wall was a small love seat, light forest green colored, old and battered like most things here.

He wandered to the books and scanned everything, reading titles and authors. He thought, _maybe Regulus would recognize these._ He could recognize a few. _Wind Sand and Stars, Wuthering Heights, The Little Prince, Jane Eyre, The Iliad._

He also spotted Wilde. And _Giovanni’s Room._

He pulled out the last familiar book he saw. _The Prophet._ He’d never read it but he knew of it. He traced the design on the hard cover, a hand holding a flame.

A floorboard creaked at the door. He turned on his heel, squeezing the book, finding Remus having discovered him. He tipped his head and looked at the book in his fine boned hands and long fingers.

“You found my little library.” He went to the couch and sat down with a sigh. “What did you get there?”

“ _The Prophet.”_ Sirius folded himself up on the couch beside, and as he did spotted a pack of cigarettes on the desk. He gasped, “Are those yours?”

“Yeah, you want one?”

“Dying.” And he hopped back up to stretch over and shake one out, tucking back into his spot and digging a lighter out of his pocket to light up and take a drag as Remus picked one out and set the ash tray on the couch between them. They smoked together in silence for a few well earned moments, sighing the smoke into the light from the windows.

“So tell me about this little hidden gem.” Sirius asked, waving his cigarette with a smooth flick at the wrist to the room.

“Well,” Remus blew out a breath and propped an arm over the back of the couch. “I was always a reader, so were my parents. Then I went to college and it just,” he gestured at the clutter, “piled up.”

“I’m sorry, stop – college?” Sirius looked at him bewildered.

“Yeah, I didn’t mention?” Remus tilted his head to the side and scratched his head with his smoking hand, “I went to a four year.”

“You never mentioned that at all!” He frowned at this discovery he’d totally missed.

“Yeah,” he chuckled under his breath and tapped ashes into the tray.

“Well, what did you go for?”

“English.” He nodded at the shelves, “Hence the pile of books.”

“Where to?”

“Baylor. It’s in Waco, in state. I went after high school. I was pretty determined to keep going to school. Got good grades and scholarships. Then I moved out and spent four or five years there, getting my degree.”

“ _Wow.”_ Sirius blinked, brows furrowed, “That just seems… completely different. I’m imagining you in a big city.” He laughed at new image.

“It was a very… growing experience for me.”

“So what brought you back?”

“Well, my mom got sick. After I finished my degree, I was working in Waco and tutoring during that year after. My dad had already passed, few years after I left, so there was no one to take care of her. She was already alone out here. She kept up with the ranch and took care of the herd. But I didn’t like leaving her with everything like that, it’s a lot to keep up with, and she shouldn’t have been alone. Anyways, she was just older in her years and sick on and off and one day I got a call from her doctor. I came home.” He shrugged and took a drag. “That was the end of that.”

“Just like that?” Sirius tilted his head, thoughtful about that sudden end. “What do you think you’d have done if that hadn’t happened?”

“My plan was to teach. I was looking for work in public schools. That’s what I always thought I was going to do. Teach kids English. But then… I don’t know, I started having other ideas. I thought maybe… I’d get a good job in Waco and get a masters. Cause, you know, you… I was starting to think I could go to graduate school and then after that, I thought I’d like to be a professor.”

Sirius breathed in a quiet little gasp and his eyes sparkled, “Professor Lupin.”

Remus shook his head, smiling into the cigarette.

“It was just a dream.”

“I hate when people say that.” Sirius blurted out, eyes sharpening, chin jerking up with distaste. “It doesn’t make sense to say. ‘It was just a dream’, it’s like saying it was just something important. Just something special. Dreams can’t be _just_ anything.”

The corners of mouth quirked down considerately, nodding ever so slightly in return. “Yeah. I suppose so.”

They smoked for a little while before he spoke again, “What about you? Never thought about school?”

“No, not me. I was never interested. And I lived in James’ pocket, all of our plans were sort of shaped together. He had the interest in working on the trains and I followed suit, turns out I enjoyed the travel…” Sirius tapped off ashes with a thoughtful frown. “My little brother, Regulus, he’s the academic. He’s brilliant. He writes me regularly and I get him to tell me everything about it all. He’s studying mathematics at Harvard.”

Remus’ brows raised and he puffed out a breath in surprise.

“Harvard, really? Jesus.”

“Yes. He wanted to go to Princeton. But our wicked parents pressured him out of it. The Black family has a history of alumni at Harvard. The family was around when it was becoming an esteemed institute. Stupid, really. But he’s always compromised with their will, I don’t know why.”

“Sounds like he’s just trying to make things easier.” Remus murmured gracefully.

“I know.” Sirius looked away, scowling. “I don’t criticize him. I try not to put any more pressure on him. I’m better at that… now. But I just can’t stand thinking of them, making him put up with their poison. Not that they convince him, he’s too good for it. He just doesn’t show it.”

They let the silence rest. Then Remus reached between them to thumb the pages of the book.

“Have you read this?”

“Never.”

“It’s a good one.” He murmured, “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen it.”

Sirius pushed the book his way, pressed it into his hand.

“Read from it?” He gave a convincing expression, eager and sparkling with little wonder. He hoped Remus would be too gentle to deny him. “Please?”

“What would you want that for.” Remus gave him a none too gentle look, “You’ll get bored.”

“I won’t.” Sirius crushed out the last of his cigarette and wiggled deeper into the back cushion. “Just a little?”

Remus looked at him for a moment before grunting under his breath and picking up the book, shifting around a bit as he opened the pages and sifted through. He took a drag of the cigarette and blew out the smoke.

“This is a good one.”

Sirius laid his head against the back of the couch and listened.

“Then a ploughman said, speak to us of work.” Remus started, clearing his throat. “And he answered, saying: You work that you may keep pace with the earth and the soul of the earth. For to be idle is to become a stranger unto the seasons, and to step out of life’s procession, that marches in majesty and proud submission towards the infinite.” He turned a page. “When you work you are a flute through whose heart the whispering of the hours turns to music. Which of you would be a reed, dumb and silent, when all else sings together in unison? …Always you have been told that work is a curse and labour a misfortune. But I say to you that when you work you fulfil a part of earth’s furthest dream, assigned to you when that dream was born. And in keeping yourself with labour you are in truth loving life, and to love life through labour is to be intimate with life’s inmost secret.”

He paused briefly, eyes scanning the page. His voice was a slow and steady walk. “But if you in your pain call birth an affliction and the support of the flesh a curse written upon your brow, then I answer that naught but the sweat of your brow shall wash away that which is written. You have been told also that life is darkness, and in your weariness you echo what was said by the weary… And I say that life is indeed darkness, save when there is urge. And all urge is blind, save when there is knowledge. And all knowledge is vain, save when there is work. And all work is empty, save when there is love. And when you work with love you bind yourself to yourself, and to one another, and to God.”

Remus paused as if giving Sirius a chance to interrupt, but he didn’t. Sirius just imagined him, straining barbed wire tight between two gnarled posts, sweating in the desert heat, which comes from above and below all summer long.

“And what is it to work with love?” Remus rasped, “It is to weave the cloth with threads drawn from your heart, even as if your beloved were to wear that cloth. It is to build a house with affection, even as if your beloved were to dwell in that house. It is to sow seeds with tenderness, and reap the harvest with joy, even as if your beloved were to eat the fruit. It is to charge all things you fashion with a breath of your own spirt, and to know that all the blessed dead are standing about you and watching.”

Remus seemed to snag at that part of the page and swallowed, silent. His cigarette smoldered between his fingers to its bud.

“Often have I heard you say, as if speaking in sleep, ‘He who works in marble, and finds the shape of his own soul in the stone, is nobler than he who ploughs the soil. And he who seizes the rainbow to lay it on a cloth in the likeness of man, is more than he who makes the sandals for our feet.’ But I say, not in sleep but in the over-wakefulness of noontide, that the wind speaks not more sweetly to the giant oaks than to the least of all the blades of grass. And he alone is great who turns the voice of the wind into a song made sweeter by his own loving.” He turned a page and breathed a deep, gentle sigh.

“Work is love made visible. And if you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms of those who work with joy. For if you bake bread with indifference, you bake a bitter bread that feeds but half man’s hunger… And if you grudge the crushing of the grapes, your grudge distills a poison in the wine. And if you sing though as angels, and love not the singing, you muffle man’s ears to the voices of the day, and the voices of the night.”

He closed the book and put his cigarette out on the tray between them, then looked at Sirius who still blinked up at him, face pressed to the couch. His eyes flickered around his face again and Sirius watched him back, lulled.

Remus cleared his throat.

“It’s about time I’ve gotta… go get the cows home.”

“I’ll come with you.” Sirius said immediately, though his legs and butt were sore to the bone from the saddle. And the rest of him ached so much these days from jumping between train mechanic and ranch hand that it had become he didn’t notice it until he sat still long enough for his body to revisit the pain.

He got up with him nonetheless, walking off the soreness until it was quiet and subdued again.

  


* * *

  


  


James suggested Sirius invite Remus to a night at the singular bar in Valentine. Most days the bar was an awfully quiet place, during the week. There would be a dotting of five or so people throughout the day who came to drink and talk with friends or play pool and cards. It was a tiny little establishment. But on the weekends, they would turn up the jukebox and spin records on Saturday nights. There might be twenty or so folks gathered to dance and drink.

So that’s where they were one Saturday night, the boys and Lily who brought along her friends Marlene and Dorcas. Commandeering a small rickety table, propped with sugar packets to keep it from wobbling. Sirius and James practically elbowed their friends away from the bar when buying drinks, so that they could buy the rounds. There were no fancy drinks like in San Francisco, but Sirius delighted in swallowing the whisky and pulling a face and shaking his head at the burning, it made Remus laugh though he wasn’t much better at holding liquor.

They played cards crowded at the table, spilling drinks and packed at the elbow. In between games, Sirius swung around the little dance floor with Marlene and Dorcas, lit by colored lights, under a low hanging ceiling, while Dolly Parton sang _Dumb Blonde_ and _Why Don’t You Haul Off And Love Me._

Sirius didn’t know how to dance to any country beat with any country steps and he found himself being given lessons by the girls who were generous and determined to get he and James both in dancing shape. Remus was a little bit better than the two of them, and he and Lily danced together while the girls taught James and Sirius.

He had more fun than he ever expected, stumbling along and singing with James: _You say you’re gonna take him, oh but I don’t think you can. ‘Cause you ain’t woman enough to take my man._

Sirius looked over at Remus whenever he could, catching his eye with a beaming smile and every time watching him look down or away as his honest smile glittered in the low bar light.

At some point someone put on _Jailhouse Rock_ and then _Twist And Shout_ and they really wore themselves out for a while. After a round of half drunken pool, Sirius got his turn to dance with Lily. The jukebox played _Stand By Your Man._

Lily and he swayed, arms resting on each other’s waists, both worn out from the dancing and drinking.

“How was dinner with James?” Sirius asked her, glancing over to see him seemingly deep in conversation with Remus.

“Oh, just pleasant. Eventful. Somehow he ended up tilling my momma’s garden.” Sirius laughed at that.

“You know, he once convinced an entire crew on the job to flash our asses at a train on a bridge, and then jump into the river.”

“That’s _incredibly_ dangerous.” Lily looked over at him as if concerned for his survival.

“It was my idea, and I do want credit for that.” He lifted a finger confidently. “The greatness of that one was that you had to jump in the river with your pants down if you didn’t want to get hit by a train.”

“Yes… greatness.” She shook her head, “How have things been going on the ranch?”

Sirius met her gaze and seemed to search her for a moment, “Fine and dandy.” He smiled.

“I think it’s nice you’re helping him out.” She watched Remus for a moment. “He’s good company to keep.”

“You know him well?”

“Everybody knows everybody in Valentine.” She reminded him. “We went to school together.”

“What was he like?” Sirius asked eagerly. She smiled at him.

“Like he is now.” She shrugged. “Nice. Shared his things. But he could come up with some of the most fun in school. I do remember that.”

“Huh.” Sirius looked over at him, smoking and finishing off a beer between James and the girls.

“I think it’s real good you’re hanging around him.” She said in a simple but peculiar little way. “Just so you know.”

Sirius held her eyes for a moment before the song ended. Sirius knew most people didn’t like to meet his gaze. Lily didn’t shy from it, he knew she was perfectly unbothered by it. The fun wrapped up and the bar closed before midnight. Sirius watched Remus drive off in that rickety Ford, running better now than before. He thought he needed to take him for a ride in the Impala on the highway.

  


* * *

  


The following days, Sirius put in work with James but never failed to be at The Last Star before dusk. Sirius would step out of the Impala, slam the door shut and open his arms up for Pitch to run barking at him and leap into his arms so he could hike her up and kiss her little face. Remus’ lips would always quirk up and they’d fall in step at work. Sirius could tack Ma’am up on his own now. He’d even probably be fine on Top Cart now he knew how to ride better. They’d swing up into the saddle together and trot out into the desert to drive the herd, telling each other about the day and all the meaningless details of it. And he’d let his eyes linger when he knew Remus was watching, draw up their horses closer than he did before, reach over and brush his knee or his shoulder or his hair with brief touches.

Remus didn’t pull away when he could have. Sirius could feel it, could feel what he knew he’d do any day now. Could feel the verge and the energy in him pushing at the edge of the drop, conquering inches and waiting for his chance to push them over all together.

He couldn’t stop it and he didn’t want to. He wanted closer, could feel it as if his body grew towards him, swayed in his direction, turning to him like a compass bearing.

After another quiet drive, after another brushing and feeding the horses and putting them in their stalls, he found himself at Remus’ kitchen sink stood beside him. They washed their hands in the basin, sharing the running water which ran brown and dirty with their days work. The soap lingered on hands as they paused and waited for one to finish rinsing before the other dipped his hands into the water and rinsed. Remus turned off the faucet and pulled down a hand towel from a little hanging ring near the sink, handed it to Sirius. He dried his hands and gave it back to him, watching as Remus dried his scraped, calloused hands on the damp hand towel.

Sirius’ mind had taken its own course, in its own control, staring at his face and the scar that split his lower lip and curled up from his chin. Remus glanced up at him and gave pause at his eyes.

“What?” He hummed, hands pausing where they held the hand towel.

Sirius lifted a hand to his face and, as if with perfect clarity of mind for the first time in a long time, his fingers hovered inches from his skin. Remus stilled, eyes flickering between his fingers and his eyes.

“Can I?” Sirius managed to speak without thinking, staring at the little scar. Remus’ mouth closed and he swallowed, became motionless if not for the shallow disturbance of his uneven breathing. He swallowed again and kept his eyes somewhere lower. Sirius let his fingers touch the skin of his jaw. It drew a breath out of him like a slow exhale. His fingers slid down to the scar curled under the side of his chin, traced the line of it so slowly. Remus closed his eyes and his chest wavered with his breathing just as his thumb smoothed over his lip. There was a dangerous pull in his body, as if something under the ocean reared its head with absolute power, deadly confident against the weight of Remus’ reflexive restraint which now wavered. A telling waver. A buckling of weight bearing beams in a building, before its fall.

Sirius’ body shifted closer to his and his head tilted down, slowly, until he could feel his breath on his lips. He hovered, heart pounding until it strained in his chest, heavier than he knew it could beat. He looked into pale, amber brown eyes.

“Can I…” Sirius whispered, voice hardly managing to escape the cacophony of his pounding chest and restless lungs.

Remus pressed their lips together. Sirius gasped through his nose and their bodies melted together so to crush the empty space out from between them mercilessly. Righteously vanquishing. Remus’ hands were on his back, pressing him against him, mouth opening to his. Sirius pressed his face between his hands, tasting his tongue and the warmth of his mouth. His own hands tremored just slightly. Showing the energy that vibrated in him, too much to contain.

Remus’ hands, so unyielding against his back, suddenly slipped up underneath the worn out cotton of his t-shirt. Sirius gasped as if his hands shocked him, humming into his mouth, pressed as close as he ever could, trying desperately to scream _more_ in every wave of warmth radiating between their bodies. All it took was a roll of his hips into his, he could feel Remus’ nails dig into his skin. They broke apart and Remus’ wide eyes searched his own wild grey.

Things moved a bit faster then and a little laugh of thrill bubbled out of him as Remus pushed him against the counter and kissed him again, a leg pushed between his. The insects of the night croaked outside, muffled in the warm kitchen light, and Sirius rolled their hips together and moaned. Remus’ hands were on his thighs then, hitching him up and off the ground, pushing him onto the counter and dragging his hips close so that he was pressed close against his front in between his legs. Sirius gasped in surprise, unsure how he’d gotten from the milky tile floor to the counter, but unable to pause to so much as comment on it because he was kissing him and kissing him and digging his fingers into his shoulders.

Remus’ fingers dug into his inky hair, taking hold, and his mouth trailed down his neck. Sirius hummed out shakily, so hard in his jeans that it hurt. Fingers unbuttoned his jeans and then there was a hand on his cock, squeezing perfectly and sliding slow up and down, thumbing the head.

“Oh- _shit.”_ He stuttered and squeezed his legs tight around his hips so that he was drawn in close and held between his thighs. He was panting his name, _Remus, Remus._ His eyes fluttered open and he caught sight of Remus looking at his face, eyes lit up like little wonders. Sirius smiled and he did, too, warm and giving with their happiness. Sirius kissed him again and they pressed close, his hand stroking him tighter, the other shifting and threading through his silken hair.

“Shit, I’m- I’m, think I’m gonna come.” Sirius stuttered and they rested their foreheads together, bowed together. Sirius was clawing at his arms and shoulders and back, moaning and panting and squeezing him tight as he could between his legs as he came with wet warmth in his hand.

His breath slowed and Remus watched through lidded eyes his pretty face smooth and even out, hand sweet and soothing as it squeezed and helped him down through the pleasure. Remus’ other hand slid down to rest where his jaw and neck met, black hair still woven around his fingers. Sirius managed to get control of his breathing, eyes still closed, swallowing and breathing deeper and slower until he could actually look at him.

Remus’ eyes flickered around his face, his lips, drinking like a wolf at a creek in the desert.

“If you’ll sit down on the couch,” Sirius finally spoke, still breathing deep, flushed and licking his lips. “I might be able to do you one even better.”

An audacious smile bloomed on Remus’ lips, a brow lifting. “Is that so?”

Sirius grinned, “Let’s see?”

They went to the couch and Remus sat down, looking up at him as he did, so handsome and curious about what he’d do. Sirius knelt between his legs, hands holding himself up on the couch so he could kiss him some more. His kisses were shallow and allowed him space to think about it as Sirius rested his hands on his jean buttons. He unbuttoned them and Remus helped him shimmy them down a bit so Sirius could stroke him and push his shirt up to kiss and bite his hips.

He licked up and down his shaft before taking mercy on them both and getting him in his mouth. Remus was tense and he panted, every little sound pulling the little muscles in his ears. He used his hand and mouth to suck and moan on his cock, feeling every little thing he could on his lips and tongue. Remus was moaning, gravely and soft, hands pressing into the couch as if he didn’t know what he was allowed to do with them. Sirius couldn’t wait to tell him he could touch his hair while he did this. He thought about it, they both thought about it, pulling and handling.

In the meantime he made direct, straightforward work of licking and sucking him.

“Hey, I’m- not going to last long.” He panted and shifted, struggling to stay still, legs shifting with the tension.

Sirius got him there not a minute later with panting curses, keeping him in his mouth and watching him come, swallowing on the warmth.

“ _Fuck, Sirius.”_ His pretty brown eyes fluttered and he looked at him, breath slowing. He stared as if the world had turned upside down in one night, as Sirius slowly pulled off and swallowed again. He opened his pink mouth, tongue sliding up his length one more time before he wiped his chin with the back of his hand, cock still cradled in his hand loosely as his fingers stroked gently.

“Jesus Christ.” Remus breathed.

“Just me.” He smiled and sat back. Remus blinked at him in disbelief, somewhere between fondness and bewildered at him. He thought, _sometimes it pays to love sucking cock._

Sirius crawled up onto the couch with him, sitting beside him as he pulled his pants back up more comfortably.

“Shit.” Remus breathed out, running a hand through his hair and down his face. He stared at the fireplace and Sirius watched him. Before he could even register it, worry seeped in slowly but surely. Remus was quiet and every moment of this silence somehow unnerved him now.

He couldn’t take his eyes off Remus’ expression. He couldn’t place it either, but it discomforted him.

“Remus…” He asked. “Is it okay?”

 _Are we okay,_ spoke loud and clear through the other words.

“Yeah.” He nodded, still not looking at him. He breathed evenly but with the hint of labor, hair at his temple and nape damp with sweat. “Yeah, yeah. It’s good.”

Sirius’ instincts crawled to fix the discomfort he could sense from him. To make him content again.

“Do you want me to go home?” He asked the question as a form of grace, offering a way forward from this moment, trying to nudge him. But once it was posed he felt the difficulty there was in answering that, for someone who is bound to be kind.

“Do you…” He cleared his throat, “Do you mind? I know it’s late… Maybe just, so we can take a second.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Sirius nodded vigorously. “I’ll just… if you’re alright.”

“Let me walk you out.” Remus stood and Sirius felt his mind running around aimlessly, unable to figure out what was going on or what to do right now. His body felt over warm.

Sirius picked up his keys at the door and Remus opened it for him, glancing up to meet his eyes when he paused on the threshold.

“Thank you,” Sirius murmured. Remus blinked and nodded.

When the door closed behind him he went to the car and got in like he was hiding, closing the door and sitting in the seat staring at the darkness of the porch step. He covered his face with his hands, pushed his hair back, pressed his hands to his legs, blinking at the dark and unsure what just happened.

He started the car with a low rumble and drove thirty minutes through the desert, back to Valentine. He slipped into the shared apartment by the train tracks, making no noise and shutting his bedroom door carefully so not to wake James. He crawled in bed and grew a heavier feeling before he found sleep that night, fitful and useless.

  


* * *

  


  


Sirius tossed and turned in the dark hours of the morning, lingering until he changed his clothes, pulled on some shoes, and picked up his keys. He stepped outside and paused on the step, running a hand through his hair. The morning was silent of birds or insects. Even the wind was dead.

He got in the car and drove slowly all the way to the ranch. The desert seemed to watch him as he drove, the patches of grass sharing glances between each other that asked _what do you think he’ll do now?_

He rolled into the drive and cut the engine, staring at the house in the dark. There was a waxing crescent moon, a claw, it shed no light for him. He heard a bird call, first and alone. He couldn’t go to the house. He thought about turning around.

He stepped out and shut the door quietly, heading into to the barn. The horses were there, sleeping. Ma’am heard his footsteps and raised her head, letting out a wary low sound.

“Sh,” He hushed, reaching over the door and giving her his hand under her nose. “It’s me.”

She rumbled low and quiet, great lungs whooshing warm air out on his palm. They parted and Sirius sighed, walking across the breezeway to a sack of feed left on the ground. He slumped down into the spread of dirt and hay scattered on the floor, leaning against the sack.

He knew Remus let the cattle out every morning, fed the horses. He’d never joined before.

He knew there was a better way to go about this. He settled down without thinking, crossing his arms and laying with his head and shoulders propped on the feed. The night was still dark but dawn had already begun lifting.

He fell asleep there, not waking until he heard the horses whinny and their doors jostle. He blinked slowly and saw Remus had just stepped in, looking down at him with a hard to place expression. Like someone who foresees something bad. Sirius sat up quickly.

“Remus.” He wiped his eye and pushed a stray strand of hair back.

“Hey.” Remus murmured. He reached down to him and gave him his hand, pulling him to his feet. “You coming?”

“Yeah.” His voice scratchy with sleep, he nodded and cleared his throat. They tacked the horses in silence and rode out in silence too. It must have taken about forty five minutes to an hour, the quiet ride. Sirius could help with herding now and he paused by the gate while Remus closed it. Then they rode on.

In truth, Remus didn’t have to ride in the morning. He mostly opened the gate and the cows were ready to leave for the day. He let them head in whatever direction they like. This morning they left the farm, following the herd while the sun rose from the direction of the house, and the land turned slowly pink and blue.

Going to the safest place to speak, where the land locked whatever they said here into the dirt and burned it under the sun.

They drew to a stop eventually, as the herd stopped at a grassier area to graze. Top Cart shifted and fussed impatiently, but Remus gave a sharp tap on the rein and he snorted, shook his head, and settled down. Quietly they watched the herd graze, the sky still cool and the sun not yet risen.

Sirius looked tired, his hair was messy in its tie, drooping, strays hanging around his face. There were circles under his eyes. Remus didn’t want to look at him. Pretty as he was, he knew he’d only want to stare.

So they listened to the birds wake the land, watched them fly far off, watched a hare dart in and out of cover. The silence weighed heavy for him.

He heard Remus clear his throat only just audibly, looked over to see him shift and look down.

“We can’t ever let anyone find out about this.” He murmured. Sirius grit his teeth unconsciously, but he said nothing and neither did Remus for a little while. “I’m sorry. About last night. I didn’t mean to… it just happened really fast and then I- when it was done… I just didn’t know what to think.”

Sirius barely contained a scowl, but his eyes loomed like a grey cloud. “I’m not sorry.”

“I don’t mean I didn’t like it. That’s not what I mean. I just mean I didn’t expect… I didn’t know we were going to.”

“You had to know.” Sirius looked at him hard. Remus didn’t meet his eyes.

“Yeah.” He whispered. “I guess I did.”

Sirius glared at the herd for a while. “Well, I don’t fucking regret it. I don’t know what you think. But I would do it again.”

“Of course I don’t regret it.” He pressed gently but firmly. “I don’t think I’ve ever had it like… that before.”

Sirius’ resolve softened, an ache that twinged and lowered his defenses but didn’t calm him.

“So what now.” He snapped. “You had the best sex of your life and now you just want to go our separate ways, pretend we didn’t do it so that no one has to know you’re a fag?”

Remus’ jaw twinged like that angered him but his anger was a quiet, measured thing. He didn’t speak until he knew what he would say.

“No one can know. Not because I give a shit about that. I don’t, I don’t give a fuck what anybody thinks. But it’s not safe.”

Sirius exhaled on his anger, feeling like he was struggling to control it so that he could meet him halfway in this conversation.

“It’s just a risk.” Sirius managed finally over the frustration in his chest. And he talked while Remus listened. “Remus, things are different than they’ve been before. It’s not _safe_ , no, but things are changing. I swear it’s true, they are. In San Francisco, there are places for people like us. There are people who talk about it, in public, talk about how things _should_ be. There are meetings and, and newsletters. Communities that are more accepting. I’ve even heard there are a few universities that have _clubs_ for gay people, _out_ people. Look, just two months ago it was all over - talked about in the news. There was this- some club in New York called Stonewall Inn, it was on the front page of the newspaper. There were riots there, against the cops, for _us,_ Remus. More than a _thousand people_ were there the next day! They didn’t let those fucking _pigs_ push them around, they fought _back._ They proved that there really _are_ gay people here, and we don’t feel ashamed about it. They were proud. I know the law, and the people, haven’t changed. But look at that, it has to mean something… And I think half of all San Francisco knew I was a queer, I never hid it. I got in a fight or two, sure. But I would never… I don’t want to stop _this_ because of them.”

He finally quieted, looking at Remus’ profile with pleading, frustrated eyes. Remus was nodding, just watching the cattle. His face was mostly smooth and calm, save for the thoughtful concern in his eyes.

“I’m glad… about all of that.” He finally spoke, even and reasonably. “But Sirius… the nearest hospital is over an hour away. This isn’t the city… There is no hospital in Valentine. Even if something did happen, it would take thirty minutes, at the very least, to get to town for any help. I know things are changing. And I’m thankful for that. But that’s in San Francisco. New York. This is not the same as that… If anyone found out about us… the whole town would know. And they wouldn’t want me here. They’d tell the people who passed through. And at the end of the day, everyone in that town knows that if anything happened to us out here no one will ever be caught. Anyone who thought… anyone who wanted to do us any wrong. There’s no one to see it out here.”

Sirius’ emotions roiled and he worked against an angry outburst.

“How can you know anything would go wrong, Remus?” He pushed. “How do you know? No one knows now. No one suspects anything. We could say we’re cousins, brothers… You can’t predict that- that something would happen. Even if someone found out.” As he spoke, he realized with a secret dark feeling, remembered what Lily had said at the bar. The way she’d said it. He didn’t think she knew, really. And she was good; she would never betray them, never. But still, it had been easy for her to think…

“Because it’s happened before.” He mumbled. Sirius swallowed, wanting to stop him before he said anything, wanting to keep whatever story he knew buried away. “When I was a kid… there was a body found in the desert. Out toward the border. No one ever got caught for it. And it’s not like anyone knows why they killed him… But there were guesses, you know. Talk that maybe he was gay.”

Sirius looked away and pursed his lips, brow furrowed. He felt angry that he wanted to cry. Remus spoke up again.

“I’m not saying anything like that would happen. Even if everybody found out. It’s unlikely. But probably, we’d be ostracized in town. At the least, it would put us in some danger. Maybe no one would find out… Maybe we could do whatever we want and no one would know. But Sirius, the thought. Just the thought that you might be threatened in any way. And because of what you’ve done with me… I hope you understand, it’s difficult. And all I’m saying is that things aren’t as safe here as they are where you’re from.”

Sirius breathed, “We could run away if anyone found out. Nothing would hurt us. I could get us far away.”

Remus looked over at him, a tiny unbelieving smile on his face. “We’ve only just fucked. You want to make get away plans now?”

Sirius gave him a haughty, reproachful glance. “You know what I mean... So what now.” He breathed deeply, giving him a brave look. “Would you still have me?”

“I don’t want to stop either.” He said plainly. “If you can understand that you have to keep it a secret… Then whatever you want. You know where I am.”

Sirius looked hopefully at him. “I want you.”

This touched him and he reached across the space between their horses to give him his hand. Sirius took it and they squeezed each other for a moment.

“I’m hungry. The horses are hungry.” Remus said, and they let go. “Let’s go eat.”

Sirius giggled, more hopefully now, and they turned their horses back home.

  


* * *

  


  


Weeks passed then, filled with heat. The desert burned toward the end of August and they built a sun of their own to heat their blood when they met. Sirius worked about four days a week at the rail station. When he wasn’t working he was at the ranch, and even with work he rarely missed an evening ride. He worked when he was with Remus, either on his own or helping him with his own tasks.

When he was actually working, he made everything twice as easy for Remus. When he was distracting, or distracted, they might derail a whole day together. Remus might be forking hay in the loft one moment and the next he was on his back in it with Sirius pressing him down and costing them another wonderful hour.

Remus was rolling up a length of rope in the barn when Sirius hummed appreciatively.

“Who are you tying up today, cowboy?” Sirius leered, earning an unimpressed look.

“It’s for roping livestock.”

“Well that’s not _quite_ as sexy as I was hoping.” He picked up a length of rope on the ground nearby and pretended to swing it overhead and tried to throw it on Remus.

“Stop that.” He growled and swatted away the rope poorly flopped at him.

“I’m not really the _stop that_ type, you know.” Sirius smirked, trying again to throw the loop in the rope over Remus’ head.

“You suck at that,” He griped, “I’m literally doing something here.”

“Oh, I suck?” He tried to throw it again and succeeded in slapping him on the head with another poor attempt. “Why don’t you show me how it’s done!”

Remus gave him a look, and something zinged up his spine. He looked back with curiosity as Remus walked backwards away from him.

“What are you going to _wrangle_ me?” Sirius laughed at him. Remus swung the loop over his head once, twice, and Sirius started backing away quickly. “Hey!” He yelped and with a seemingly lazy toss of his arm, Remus threw the rope at him and Sirius threw his arms up to bat it away. The rope was at his feet though instead, seemingly just landed and then yanked tight and suddenly Sirius was on the ground. He sucked a gasp in and he was being dragged swiftly by his ankle until he found himself sprawled on his back in front of Remus who looked down at him with a sort of dry amusement in his eyes. He stared up with wide eyes, catching his breath. 

“Well, okay.” He laughed sort of nervously, delighted and still adjusting to the fact that he was no longer standing. “Good at that, aren’t you.”

Remus stepped over him, dropped down to straddle his hips. He put his hand on his chest and Sirius hummed happily before he leaned down and kissed his mouth. Sirius sighed like he always did for a kiss, hands grabbing for contact wherever they first touched. Remus murmured, lips brushing his: “You looked pretty like that.”

Sirius breathed in a subtle pant already and tipped his chin up to kiss him again, “Thank you.” He kissed him again, “That was kind of hot.” Remus giggled into his mouth and gave him another sweet, but cooling kiss to slow him down.

“Let’s get off the floor, hm?” He stood and bent down to remove the rope from his leg, helping him up.

“Okay, but we’ll get back to that later? Right?” He dusted himself off with a jaunty grin. They did get back to it, and afterwards Remus asked him to come on a ride around the range. They set a day for it over dinner.

  


* * *

  


  


“Remind me again why you chose to have our adventure at the break of dawn?” Sirius yawned, tucking his loose hair behind his ear. Remus rode ahead of him, surrounded by a loose herd of sleepy cattle heading toward the gate at the end of the pasture.

“I’m not the biggest fan of it myself.” He rubbed an eye and scrunched the sleep out of them. “The coolest hours of the daylight are in the morning. The afternoon is too hot.”

“I’ll see how I feel about that… that sacrifice when the sun is up all the way.” He mumbled. The morning even smelled sweet and exciting, the rising light and every distant lark seemed to celebrate the wonder. Sirius trotted up next to him with a squeeze of the knees. “I enjoyed the sleep over, though.”

Remus smiled and turned his head away, silent as the cattle mooed and passed around them. Sirius thought he wasn’t going to say anything until, “I enjoyed blowing you.”

Sirius gasped and clutched his pearls, which incidentally ended up being the string holding the hat hanging around his neck. “ _Mister_ Lupin.”

Remus just clicked his tongue and took off at a canter through the yellow grass. Sirius watched the back of his head and followed him, appreciating the coolness of the air as it hushed past. They rode for more than an hour as the sun slowly showed itself in full, pouring yellow white light over them that cast long shadows which bent and morphed over the cacti and gnarled shrubs. Sometimes they’d spot a rabbit but halfway through their ride they spotted something new.

Remus’ horse suddenly made a high startled noise and spooked, bolting to the side as he held on and tried to settle him, Sirius breaking and backing up.

“What was that!” He asked, watching Top Cart’s anxious face as his muscles quivered with tension.

“It’s a snake.” Remus nodded, “Be careful.”

Sirius directed Ma’am closer to him, moving around the snake as they paused to look at it. It was a sand colored coil of a viper, hidden well with the dirt. They stared as it rattled its tail, an ominous sound.

“I’ve never seen a rattle snake before.” Sirius breathed.

“They’re hard to spot before you’re on top of them.” Remus muttered. The horse under him snorted and shifted harshly on his feet.

“Kind of pretty, though.”

Remus gave the snake a doubting look and ushered them on as it rattled them away.

“How come Ma’am didn’t spook?” Sirius asked, running a hand through her mane. “She didn’t seem scared at all. That doesn’t seem very horsey to me.”

“I’m not entirely sure she actually is a horse.” Remus gave her a look. “The first time _I_ ran into a snake on horseback was with her. I was a kid, it freaked me out, but she _stomped on it._ ”

Sirius squawked, giving her a look of disbelief as she strolled on.

“She snorted at it like it had pissed her off and stomped on it with her hooves. She should have been bit and then my dad might’ve had to fucking shoot her. It was too lucky…” Remus laughed, “But I can’t get the image out of my head. It was like one of those old ladies, beating something with a purse and getting on with her day.”

“You’ve really got to ease up on the flattery. I’m going to start spoiling her rotten.” Remus gave him a look that said _you already started_.

“I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.” Sirius nodded, “Or see that. I give the lady only exactly her due, it’s not my fault she’s such a queen.”

“Fair.” He tipped his head and shrugged, then put his hat on his head. It cast a shade over his face, protecting it from the sun as it began to heat up. Sirius watched, his eyes glittering and slow smile curling.

“Oh, Remus.” He laughed, “I hope you know you’re the first real cowboy I’ve ever met. You just went all the way.”

“Right, because the running a cattle ranch wasn’t fully cowboy. I have to put the hat on.” He smirked and leaned off his saddle to haphazardly pull the hat onto his head. Sirius adjusted it, watching the way Remus gazed at him, admiring. Sirius turned his head to him and dipped his head, touching the brim of his hat.

“Howdy partner.”

Remus threw his head back as if the words pained him. “You… bastard.”

Sirius barked a laugh and they carried on toward the distant figure like a table of earth that rose from the desert before them.

It was pretty, looming high into the hot morning sky, stretching its huge red crown into the blue. The hooves clacked and clattered over harder and rockier terrain, the grass far sparser in this land. They eventually reached its foot, climbing up the hills slow and steady. The elevated grounds were dotted with dark, tough bushes. They rode up and up. He watched as the desert receded from them. As it shrank beneath them, the scale of it only grew, the horizon stretching until it seemed there couldn’t be any other place on earth but this. It couldn’t be that anywhere else interrupted it.

A fair way up, Remus whispered, “Look.” He stopped, raising his arm. In the rocks around them, ahead along the path they rode, was a ram. Sirius stopped beside him and they stared.

“That’s a big fucking goat.” He whispered, glancing at him. Remus blinked rapidly, frowning.

“It’s a bighorn sheep,” He laughed under his breath. And it was huge, round with a bulky strong shape, it moved deftly across the rough, soon followed by another. He gasped, the new addition joining to make them a pair. The first one raised its head and looked at them, the horses raised their heads and pricked their ears, watching back. The sheep’s horns curled around its head, great and proud, like a wreath made of stone.

The witnesses stared at each other, three different kinds of little animals, until the sheep broke the spell. They turned without haste and disappeared over a ridge.

They rode on up the side of the plateau until they reached the highest point they could go on horseback. They paused together, overlooking so many miles, the wind tugging at their hats and the horse tails. The sun was high now. The edges of the desert melted in heat glare until they shimmered, misshapen, telling them that there was no horizon, just the land and the sky holding hands at the end of the earth. Passing fruit and stalks of wheat to each other. Passing birds like gifts between partners.

Sirius felt a hand on his leg and looked to see Remus’ eyes turned upward toward the jagged rust and ochre face of the rock. Above them some ways was a great mass of twigs and grass, perched on a landing. Sirius lifted his head and saw a dark shape move over the lip, feathers shuffling. It was a nest. An eagle lifted its head and looked around, its mouth open to pant.

“Must have babies.” Remus whispered.

Sirius was struck silent, watching something else he’d only seen in pictures. His mind was so preoccupied his thoughts slowed until they were none at all. The bird stepped onto the edge of the nest, picking up long talons. Then with a hesitation and a dip of its body, it alighted from the nest, wings opening to catch the air as it glided away from the cliff. The breeze pushed at Sirius, almost making him feel cold now that his body knew the heat, and his skin grew sensitive at the height and the sweetness of the unforgiving land, which didn’t mind him at all. Didn’t mind his gaze, heard his heart beating in his chest and didn’t mind the sound. The bird beat its wings and glided high, growing smaller and becoming just a wavering dot.

They stood there, losing track of it, pausing as the hot breath of the wind tugged their clothes.

“Is this a date?” Sirius asked tenderly.

He shrugged, “If you want it to be. Makes a pretty good date.”

“Did you know they were up here?”

Remus looked out at the sky, tracking the place where the lost flyer had disappeared. “I hoped so.”

Sirius reached his hand out to him, kicking one of his heels and shifting the reins so the horse moved closer. They grasped hands and squeezed, “come here you, kiss me.” He leaned across, kissing him gently and surely, Sirius pulling his own hat off his head and holding it against the back of his head.

“Did you see my side stepping skills?” Sirius asked.

“Of course I did, very impressive.”

They made their way down to earth, picking slowly and surely until they were on even ground and going back home. He was thankful for the hat as it kept him from being blinded.

Some time later he asked. “Aren’t we getting closer? I recognize this area. Right?”

“Mhm, shouldn’t be long now.”

Sirius smirked.

“Do you want to race?”

Remus looked over with a slow growing grin, “You want to go fast?”

“I mean, I’m on a _horse_ , who doesn’t want to go fast? Unless you’re afraid we’ll dust you.”

“Careful what you wish for. I wouldn’t underestimate her if I were you.”

“I wouldn’t ever for a second.”

Remus huffed. “Alright. What’s the winner get?”

Sirius beamed, “Winner gets first shower.”

“You bastard.” Remus muttered instantly and shifted up in the saddle, kicking a little more excitement into him. “You ready?”

“Wait, how do I make her go fast?”

“Just give her a good kick, lean forward, tell her to go. She’ll get the gist.”

“Okay, ready?” He nodded, “Go!”

Remus kicked his horse and Sirius copied him, their horses picking up into a quickening gallop. He thought, this is it, we’re racing, until with a seemingly sudden transition she began to truly run. As if the pattern of her steps changed, a gate he hadn’t even known about. He felt her whole body shift forward, her head lowered, and suddenly they _were_ racing. It sucked the air out of his lungs, his eyes flying wide, his legs holding on for dear life as the wing began screaming in his ears. He didn’t know she could move that fast.

In the corner of his eyes he could see Top Cart flying along beside them, could hear their hooves breaking the ground they crossed. Every footfall thundered like lightning, putting the pound of his heart to shame at its highest moments. His hat flew back, the string keeping it affixed to his neck. His hair waved in the burning sun.

It thrilled him, made him want to scream from the electricity of it, tingling his chest. He didn’t think of anything but holding on. The wind stung his wide eyes, burned tears out of them that ran back from the corners of his eyes to his ears.

When she relaxed her speed, he put his arms to the side and laughed at the wind, the speed bubbling the noise right out of him.

They shared the shower that day.

  


* * *

  


  


Sirius got to see a coyote on an evening drive. It trotted along the outskirts of the herd, eyes glowing, its open mouth jagged with fangs and a pink tongue. He and Remus stood watching it hover around the cattle at distance for a time, the sun lowering slowly toward the horizon. Pitch had come out with them today, and she spotted it, growling. Remus told her no, halting her though she stayed alert.

“What does he want with cows? He’s too small for them.”

Remus’ eyes tracked the little wild dog.

“He’s wondering if there’s anything for him here, I guess. Seeing how big they are… It’s no good for him to stick around. He is too small for them though, the worst he could do is cause them to run. Would take us an extra hour to get them home.” Sirius called a memory in his mind of the last time a cow had tried to avoid herding, the way Remus had rode Ma’am right along side it, how the horse had turned in front and cut it off, hard and fast, turning it around.

“What if he does stick around?”

“Then I’d shoot him.”

Sirius shot him a look, clearly not pleased with the idea.

“That’s sad. I hope he leaves…”

Remus shrugged, still gazing at the stalker.

“I hope so, too.” The coyote trotted off, pausing with a turn to examine the herd another time. “It wouldn’t be fun. But they can’t hang around with calving season coming. Sometimes calves are born on the range, it’s not safe. And there’s the chickens back home.”

The coyote disappeared away. Sirius glanced back at him thoughtfully, thinking about the time he’d fed the cows carrots and petted them, delighting in their big soft noses. He’d cheerily said they were like big dogs. Remus had explained to him that it was best to remember they’d all be sold for slaughter eventually. That had been an odd mental adjustment, especially for something he’d known already.

“It’s nothing to worry about.” Remus murmured, “It probably just decided they’re too big and it won’t try again.”

They turned their horses and began ushering the cows, Pitch gliding off around the herd and following closely. Eventually they arrived at the home field, slowly following every last ambling back hoof.

They stood just inside the fence, pausing to watch the last of the dusk fade. It turned the sky velvet, and the cows milled about as if settling down sleepily.

“Your brother, in his letter, he said he’d always wanted a dog growing up. Did you never have one as kids?” Remus looked to him, seeing him smile at the mention of Regulus. He had brought his letter with him today to read to Remus, telling him all about what he thought of the farm and the animals.

“Our parents were not the dog owning kind. Our family wasn’t really a… pet friendly place. Mother probably would have kicked it. Or made it sleep outside.”

Pitch slept inside but she wasn’t allowed on the bed. He had of course protested the injustice of this but Remus had rolled his eyes and rubbed a hand down her fur, showing it to him, the dust that clung into her fur from the farm. Sirius had allowed it, noisily.

“Huh.” Remus frowned, “I don’t know that my parents were ever really the pet keeping kind, either. Pitch was bought to help move cattle easier. But we all still treated her like a pet.”

“Your parents sound sweet.” He caught his little smile.

“They were good parents.”

“I suppose you never told them about… well, liking men.”

“No.” His voice was low, watching the dusty pink sky. “I was never going to. I didn’t think they’d like it.”

“They just wouldn’t understand it.” Sirius pressed, stubborn crease in his brow. Remus glanced at him, tilting his head and raising a brow.

“Not sure I see the difference. They never would have learned. And why would I ask them to?” He shrugged. “It wasn’t a point of contention for me anyway. By the time I was old enough to act on it, I wasn’t even living here anymore.”

“Yeah. But it is a part of you. I wanted James to know.” Sirius said. “I think he knew before I ever told him. He probably knew not long after I figured it out for myself.”

Remus hummed thoughtfully at that. “He’s a good friend.”

“The best a friend could be.” He breathed, listening to the horses swish their tails and the evening larks call.

“Did you tell your parents?”

Sirius huffed bitterly, “No. But if I ever wanted to boil their blood I’d do it just for spite. I keep it up my sleeve for if they ever bother me again.”

Remus breathed slowly out, blinking at the thought. “What about your brother?”

His brow creased, remembering.

“I told him after I left home. We were still going to the same school and I… well he asked. And I wanted him to know. So he could understand, more, maybe.”

“Was he angry with you? For leaving?”

Sirius looked away, his expression dark and weighted, as if it hurt him to think about.

“I’m sure. I think he was. He didn’t say he was but… Mostly I think he was hurt and confused about what to feel. I made things hard for him, at home. I didn’t mean to- it’s just when I’m angry, I just did things, said things, without thinking about the consequences. Even if I knew them. I just felt backed into a corner, like they’d given me no choice but to start a fight.”

Remus looked at his face, kind and curious, eyes forgiving. He swallowed on the thoughts before he spoke again.

“Anyways. I made everything worse for him, instead of easier, and then abandoned him with them. Maybe not on purpose. But in the way it mattered. I tried to speak with him but I didn’t know what to say and I don’t think he wanted to hear it at the time. It was that next year, he asked me. I think it sort of answered questions for him. Ordered things. We didn’t speak again until he graduated, but… I think it helped.”

Remus waited a bit before he said carefully, “You still feel guilty.”

Sirius grit his teeth on the shame that pricked at him, looking ahead, memories cloying in the mud of his most difficult years.

“I have regrets about that.” He said quietly. The crickets began humming around them, the sunset just a faint glow slowly fading. “I just didn’t want him to feel left behind by me.”

“But things are better now?”

“We write.” Sirius looked up at the stars as they poked through from heaven. “I never miss a letter. He’s reticent with his thoughts, which can be frustrating. But it’s easier to be patient and think about what to say in a letter. And I make sure he knows I’m listening. So he knows… at least I’m trying.”

“I think he knows,” he soothed. “He sounds pretty talkative to me. He filled three pages to you.”

The heaviness in his eyes lifted, lips curling slightly. He was quiet for a while, staring at the stars before he said something odd.

“Sometimes I think, if I were your parents you could tell me everything and I wouldn’t be angry. I’d still love you. I’d do that for you.”

Remus didn’t know what to say to that so he didn’t say anything. He thinks _, that doesn’t really matter, because you weren’t._ But it was an oddly sweet thing to say and it stuck in his mind, hanging on like burrs as they headed into the barn and fed the horses, went inside and put dinner in a pot to boil.

Sirius carded through the records and put one on, playing with the sleeve as the music played. Remus wandered in and Sirius grabbed him before he could sit, tugging on his wrists.

“You should dance with me.” Remus went along, humming in allowance and letting Sirius arrange their hands. Sirius settled close to him, pleased. He’d thought about dancing since the bar. The music was set low.

_I’m as sad as the willow that weeps in the valley, since you’ve gone from my arms._

“I’m hungry.” Remus yawned. “I’ll have to check the food soon.”

“Did you say you dated in college?” Sirius asked. Remus blinked at the abrupt question.

“Yes.” His hand shifted mindlessly on his side, stroking slowly as they swayed. “Yeah, I dated a few girls. But I also had a lot of flings with guys. We didn’t exactly go on dates. But it was good.”

Sirius imagined him there. “I’m glad you did that. Every one deserves that sort of thing. To have fun.”

Remus sighed thoughtfully, a thumb rubbing over his shoulder mindlessly.

“I didn’t plan on it. But they were there, and I couldn’t really help it. Things were a little easier to hide there.”

Sirius was quiet for so long Remus had dropped the conversation in his mind, swaying lulled him, his fingers stroking his side mindlessly.

“There’s nothing wrong with you.” Sirius told him. Holding his gaze with that eerie ease “Nothing.”

Remus gazed back, silent for a few moments.

“You are so beautiful.” He whispered finally. Honestly. He lifted his hand from his shoulder, touched his head and kissed him.

_I will weep like the willow that weeps in the valley, I’ll be lonesome until you return._

Sirius kissed back, sighing, his shoulders dropping. He was also sleepy, and hungry for whatever smell drifted from the kitchen. But he dropped his head on his shoulder and closed his eyes for a moment. Felt his hand on his back, thumb stroking thoughtlessly, swaying just enough.

  


  


* * *

  


  


The bed was shifting too early in the morning for feeding the horses or letting the herd out or cooking breakfast. Sirius could sense this and did not like it, so he grumbled and felt around in the bed behind him to see Remus was already up pulling on a shirt.

“Where’re you going.” Sirius sighed irritably. “S’too early.”

“Gonna check on the girls.” He whispered, “Go back to sleep, I’ll be back.”

Sirius hummed in assent, waking up a little to think about this. It looked like calving season had officially started. They had put all of the first time mothers into a field closer to the farm, where they could check on them. Remus had said it would be round the clock work, and apparently that was starting now. He listened groggily as he left, until he shut the front door, before he drifted back off to sleep.

He made breakfast when the dawn started to come on, filling the little warm kitchen with the scent of coffee and the slow sound of a sizzling pan on the stove. He started drinking a cup and smoking a cigarette as he cooked, rolling his bare toes on the tile to pop them. He read a newspaper laying on the counter out of the way, absently pushing eggs around a pan.

He heard Remus come in and called good morning over his shoulder. Remus pushed his shoes off in the doorway to the kitchen, sucking a little excited gasp at the breakfast.

“How are the ladies?” Sirius asked.

Remus wrapped his arms around him from behind and squeezed him tight, “They’re fine.” He smacked kisses up the side of his neck and face, in between saying, “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

“Are you hungry, then?” He huffed, stirring a bowl of grits.

“I’m starving, I’m always hungry.” Remus muttered, plucking a piece of egg out of the pan, and hissing at the burn to his fingers, even though he managed to get it in his mouth and burn his tongue as well. “Oh, they’re so fucking good.”

“They’re too hot, stop hurting yourself!” Sirius elbowed him back and turned off the stove, “The coffee is ready.” Remus sighed like he had said something infinitely more comforting as he poured a cup and sat at the table. Sirius followed in a moment, setting his cup on the table and taking a drag.

“Oh,” He hummed as Remus hooked a finger in his belt loop, tugging him to him where he sat. He turned and straddled him.

“Oh, I meant just to sit with me, but okay.” Remus laughed and ran his hands over him, “Good morning to you, too.”

Sirius gave him a smiling kiss, running a hand under the collar of his shirt. Pulling away so he could manage to get his cigarette into the ash tray on the table.

“Maybe we could sneak a quick one in.” Remus scraped his teeth over the skin of his neck, making him shiver.

“I thought you weren’t a morning person,” He giggled, wrapping his arms around his neck. “We can’t or the food will get cold.”

Remus grumbled about this, kissing and pulling him closer.

“You can’t want to fuck more than you want to eat.” Sirius ran his fingers through his hair. Remus let his hands wander up his back, under his shirt. He hummed as if considering.

Sirius scoffed dramatically, “I don’t even know you. There are sugared grits on the table, _will be_ on the table, and bacon. Does that mean nothing to you.”

Remus groaned, dropping his head against his chest while he tipped his head back to laugh. He separated himself and muttered come on, they made plates and ate while Pitch came in from the kitchen door and lay at their feet for pieces of food handed to her.

From then on, for weeks, it was just tending to the calves. Sirius had thought the work here was at least significantly occupying when it ended every night, stopping until the sun came up. Which itself was something Sirius was still trying to accept, that Remus really had to wake up every morning without sleeping in, to feed the horses at the very least, who would raise all noisy hell if left without breakfast. But the month that followed pushed the boundaries of what he thought work could be. Remus got up before the sun rose every morning and checked on the cows ready to give birth, and he checked them after the night had set in, and he rode out in the middle of the day sometimes to check on the cows in the range. Sirius had practically had to take a seat the first time he saw one of the heifers give birth. He’d never seen so much as a cat give birth, and it was a learning experience for him.

It seemed like little babies were born every day, sometimes two at a time, and every time he turned around there was a little new creature which stumbled up to its feet and took first curious steps into the world. Sirius understood now why Remus had said the coyote couldn’t linger, because the calves were little things that hardly weighed 90 pounds.

He slept almost every night with Remus. Somehow, they found time to have sex more than they had even before. It was easy to get distracted when they met in the same bed every night. Even though Remus seemed constantly harried with lack of sleep, bags under his eyes. Sirius himself had never started sleeping so hard every night as he did now, dead to the world and waking feeling as if he weighed a thousand pounds and couldn’t possibly get up again, but he did.

After about of week and half of this schedule, James eventually began visiting for lunch every other day. Sirius’ lunches became wonderful for his presence. He was sitting with him one day at the table, smoking and talking with James when Remus came in and got a midday coffee which was in fact quite necessary these days. James put out a hand to him as he passed and Remus slapped their hands together with a squeeze on his wordless way to the coffee. They seemed to have a friendly understanding of each other, comfortable in a way that was curious to Sirius who adored them both so much.

Sirius gave a jaw cracking yawn, nodding and garbling his understanding as James continued speaking. Remus approached him holding both of their coffees he’d made. Sirius put his hand out absently, tired eyes glancing at him before returning to James and his story.

Remus set his own coffee down, uncurled his fingers and picked up the cigarette on the ash tray to plop it between Sirius’ fingers and then push the coffee into his hand in one quick motion. He picked up his own coffee and clinked their cups together before heading back to the fridge for a snack. He did these sort of things more these days, as if acknowledging all the work Sirius did with him, saying things that were surprisingly clear without words.

James chuckled at that and Sirius blinked at his hand, looking up at Remus’ back at the counter. He sighed mindlessly, eyes filling with a warm crush, visible like a fire in the kitchen to his friend.

“Thank you, darling.” Sirius said as he took a drink and passed the cup to his other hand so he could take a drag, eyes fluttering closed at the taste. He saw Remus’ eyes glance over at James, so brief and absent of any expression that anyone wouldn’t have thought anything of it, just as he’d done when they first met.

But James moved on with his conversation, telling Sirius about something he’d read about Woodstock yesterday, which consumed Sirius’ attention.

Days like that were exhausting but wonderful anyways. Days when there were troubles with a birth proved to be some of the most stressful and sleepless that he’d ever seen at The Last Star.

Sirius fed the horses one evening and put the buckets away, brushing the horses off wondering where Remus had gotten to. He went looking after, walking out to the nearby field where the herd was settling for the night. There were calves that looked curiously at him as he passed, trotting behind their mothers. He found Remus standing near the back of the field, a bit separate from the herd. He had his arms crossed, watching after a heifer laying down.

Sirius drew up beside him. The heifer was flipping her tail and shifting around a bit.

“What’s wrong with her.” Sirius asked. He sighed.

“She’s acting weird.” He murmured, tone foreboding. “We need to move her.”

“What do you need me to do?”

“Can you go get a lead from the barn?” Sirius nodded and started off. When he got back he put the lead around her neck and they tried to coax her into standing. When she wouldn’t come up, Remus pushed on her side and rocked her, telling Sirius to pull on the rope. He did and with some strong convincing she stood up and let them walk her into the barn, to an open stall padded with soft clean and dry bedding.

“What’s wrong? The other ones usually just took a few hours, in the open. Why is she taking so long?”

“It’s hard to tell now. Hopefully nothing. Maybe just a long birth.” His said, hopeful that it was the case.

“And if there is something wrong?”

Remus pursed his lips.

“Could be the calf is in the wrong position.” Sirius frowned at this and watched her, hoping this wasn’t the case as she shifted around. “I’m going in to get some food and a drink. But then I gotta come back out.”

Sirius followed him and joined him in the barn as well, though Remus told him he could get some rest, since it seemed clear they both needed it. But Sirius wouldn’t, even though four long hours past into the night. He wandered, patting the horses in their stalls before they fell asleep, giving them treats and brushing both of their tails and manes. He threw a ball for Pitch off and on for an hour, took walks to and from the house for coffee and snacks. The food seemed to lift Remus’ mood, loosening his shoulders from the fatigue. They ate it sitting in little fold out chairs next to a low dust covered table dragged over to Remus’ spot where he sat in the walkway watching the mother.

He ate and brushed the tangles out of Sirius’ hair with his fingers, but beside that he did little but watch her. Sirius sat cross legged in his chair, with an arm wrapped around Pitch who lay half asleep in his lap. He brushed his fingers through her hair, mindlessly, watching when Remus wandered over to the stall and hovered with concern.

Eventually her water broke and they hoped she’d make progress. Remus sat with his elbows resting on his knees, rubbing his hands together, waiting. But another thirty minutes passed, and no cow. Remus paced and checked the clock that hung near the tack room. Head low, running his hand through his hair, bags under his eyes. When thirty minutes passed he waited no longer and came over to her.

She lay on her side, panting. The tail of the calf could be seen only just breaching her.

“Well.” Remus sighed, “We’re gonna have to help.”

“Help?”

“Yeah. We’ve got to pull it out.”

Sirius glanced between her and him with wide eyes but the fatigue and the tension of waiting for the calf to arrive gave him a sense of urgency that led him to sit quietly beside the mother, patting her back and talking to her comfortingly. He tied his hair back roughly while Remus grabbed a rope and some gloves.

He sat behind her and pulled them on.

“Oh man.” Sirius laughed nervously. “I didn’t think we’d actually get to this point.”

Remus gave him a wry look, shrugging good heartedly. “I just think to myself, don’t let a mom or a baby die, and then do it.” They laughed over the worry that hung lightly around the barn. Sirius kept kneeling at her spine, petting her great body, probably more for his own comfort than hers. He asked Remus to explain what he did as he pushed the calf backwards gently and reached in to find its legs. Remus explained how he covered the small hooves with his hand and carefully maneuvered one of the legs to face outward. It seemed difficult because it took him time, despite how he moved quickly.

One of the legs finally emerged, Sirius jittered with hope at the sight.

“Grab that rope.” Remus nodded at it beside him. “Put it around the leg.”

Sirius hands were shaky but neither of them mentioned it, Remus just wiping sweat off his forehead.

“There.” Remus nodded encouragingly, his calm voice keeping Sirius feeling oddly okay with the situation. “Now just hold that where it is, don’t let it slip back.”

He did that while Remus repeated the process with the other leg still trapped. When both legs were out, Remus put the rope around both, hurrying along to pull. Sirius let go, and Remus pulled hard on the calf. He gave a few hard tugs and paused between contractions.

“Here come grab on,” He nodded and Sirius took hold beside him. They waited until the next contraction and pulled hard, amazing him with how much strength it took.

It wasn’t long before the baby cow emerged, covered in fluid. Remus made quick work of clearing the mess away from the little unmoving body. Sirius handed him a cloth and he used it to clear its mouth of mucus.

“Rub him on the back,” Remus directed. He did, shifting the little thing’s whole body with rough strokes.

The mother panted and watched them, leaning her head over despite how tired she was, inspecting her baby. Sirius felt his heart hammering in his chest, surprised at the worry that crowded his body, crawling through his arms and up his neck. When he checked Remus’ face he saw nothing but practical concern, wiping the baby’s nose and mouth, brow creased.

The calf’s legs kicked and it breathed in gasping, congested rhythm. There was a drooping of shoulders, relief visible in both of their bodies, audible in both their sighs.

It was just one little calf. But at some point in the long night he’d begun to think he couldn’t bear to see it die.

He sat leaned against the wall of the stall and Remus gave the mother a pat on the neck, both of them panting just a bit.

He watched on as Remus took another ten minutes, leaning against the mother’s side and pushing and pulling until she stood. He peeled the gloves off and dropped them in the breezeway.

Then they sat together, shoulder to shoulder, while the heifer licked the calf dry. Both of them cooling down, tired enough to be silent, muscles taxed.

“Good job.” Sirius breathed.

“Thank you.” Remus swallowed, brushing the hair off his forehead. “Good job to you too. Really good job.”

He sighed tiredly, laying his leg so it brushed against Remus’ foot.

“How do you do this alone?” He asked and it dawned on him with his own words, how impossible the task was. Everything started piling in his mind, as if he’d flicked a light on in a dark room, illuminating the scale of the work, and the scale of the solitude, growing suddenly huge in his mind so that he realized what Remus was doing was too hard for one person, if not unsustainable. The loneliness gripped his chest and even his breath hitched, stricken by the time and work done alone and the reward shared with no one. How long he’d done this before Sirius had ever shown up.

“Call a vet and hope for the best. Sometimes I hire a hand.” Remus shrugged but his shoulders seemed as if they couldn’t even raise themselves properly, slumping back down. A vet would take at least an hour and a half to get here, and the cost would be deterrent.

“Sometimes?”

“Yeah. For the calving… costs money.” He closed his eyes for a minute, “Didn’t want to hire anyone so I could keep kissing you.”

Sirius stared at him, eyes wide and his chest pinched like a barb had been shoved in it.

“You should have someone here.” He pressed the now glaring obvious. “All the time – year round.”

 _You could retire with the money I have._ He thought, suddenly wondering how long he had planned ahead.

Remus nodded as if so tired he couldn’t even answer or defend the isolation. So tired all he could do was nod.

Sirius took another moment to sit slumped in the stall, taking in the birthing mess, the baby folded beside its mother who would soon stand, the chairs and cups on the table where they had waited.

“Let’s go inside.” Sirius curled his fingers around his arm.

“Should check on them in a few hours.” His voice rasped as it did when he was waking in the morning. The calf had to drink the first milk, had to be able to stand up for it, or it would be unlikely to survive long without the special nutrients in that first feeding.

“After sleep.” Sirius murmured and brought them up, gathered up the towel and rope and dropped them by the chairs. Pitch raised her head from where she’d slept, padding along by them as they crawled into the house and straight to bed.

  


* * *

  


  


Sirius drifted, barely conscious, settled like a stone in a lake under the cool linen sheets. When he blinked he could see the moon, curing the shadows of the room with milk blue light, drifting over the sheets.

“Why the hell are you awake.” Sirius whispered, blinking his eyes shut. Remus leaned on his elbow next to him, his breath just brushing Sirius’ nose. He brushed a stray lock of dark hair from his face with a feather light touch, thumb brushing over his temple and smoothing over his hair.

“Work.” He whispered. Sirius breathed in just a bit deeper to sigh, airing out his ribs which felt stiff with sleep.

There was a heifer that was late to give birth, they had been checking on her and the new calves. A month and some days had passed since the season had started, September had come, seemingly no less warm than the last month. The ranch was returning back to normal now. He felt he hadn’t even had time to think till now. James had taken to bringing Lily along for lunch now, and she brought large meals that they saved for later. It was a special blessing not to cook, one less thing they had to do. They smothered her in gratitude when she came around with food.

So the season was winding down, wonderfully, to a close. He could actually sleep all through the night. Except for right this moment.

He lifted a drowsy hand and pressed it against his chest, shifting his legs and disturbing the sleep soreness in his hips.

“Work, hm.” He sighed, tipping his face up so it brushed against his hand. Remus pet his hair, soft, humming in reply.

Sirius curled his slow fingers around his neck, tugging him into a kiss. It was warm and half awake, safe in the dark. Safe in the desert. Safe where one might die, but it would be at the hands of the earth, and beside a lover.

Remus’ thumb brushed the back of his hair, fingers tangled, wordlessly caring.

“Fuck work.” Sirius whispered into his lips. Remus ran a hand over the outside of his leg, shifting onto him and rolling him on his back, between his legs. It was warm between them, hips soft together, bellies laying together, the susurrus of their breathing the only sound to break the night.

They worked each other’s underwear off, losing as little shared heat as possible, coming together again to take their slow time about kissing and tugging at hair and squeezing hips between thighs. Sirius reached across the bed, fingers patting toward the bedstand, prompting him to get the oil kept there.

They prepped slow and eventually Remus slid into him with a sigh, as if curing thirst, taking cover from the blistering sun, finding a home where you didn’t know you had one.

Sirius wrapped his legs around him tight, panting in his ear as they rocked slowly to their unraveling end.

After, they curled together, arms wrapped around each other and legs tangled. Remus opened his eyes and saw the very first barest lifting of the dark. He tapped his fingers against him.

“I have to get up.” Sirius let him pull away, fingers wrapped around him until he was out of reach.

He watched him, already falling back to sleep, as he dressed. Thinking, _I love you I love you I love you._

He closed his eyes. Before he left the room, Remus leaned over him to kiss his head.

“I love you.” Sirius said, pausing him.

“I love you, too.” He whispered back. And let his hand trail from his shoulder gently as he left to start another day.

  


* * *

  


  


Sirius was cutting sacs of horse feed and pouring them into the storing bins while Remus cleaned the horse’s hooves. It was late afternoon, the heat kept his hair tied up. He stepped into the breezeway where the sacks of feed sat, chatting with Remus.

“Our school was a private boarding school. That’s how we ended up together even though we didn’t grow up in the same area. Rich kids get lumped together like that. But anyways, James and I drove our teachers crazy. One time we put live pigeons in a whole hallway of lockers. Then when class let out, all the students were opening the lockers and letting a whole mess of pigeons loose in the hall. And the teachers had to rescue the ones left locked up, had to check every locker. And they had to catch every pigeon. I don’t think they really did a good job because there were pigeons in the cafeteria for the rest of the year, nesting in the rafters and the windows.” He leaned over and grabbed the top of the sack, pausing there as he talked. “But I secretly thing they thought it was funny.”

“Where did you get pigeons?” Remus asked, letting down a back hoof and straightening up to rub his back.

“Bought them. You can buy pigeons! There are bird stores.” He picked the sack up and hiked it into his arms, stomping into the feed room to cut the top and pour the feed into a bin.

“You could’ve drawn that one out by introducing one pigeon into the school at a time, spacing them out so that no one could figure out how you were doing it. Or maybe _who_ was doing it.” He heard Remus’ voice muffled from the door, frowning thoughtfully. “You might let the professors clear a few out so they think they’re fixing the problem before you add a few more.”

“Remus!” Sirius hopped back out. “That’s brilliant!”

Remus rolled his shoulder and tipped his head with a smirk, “It’s not brilliant. Just simple trickery. Then you can act all innocent when the professors interrogate you.” He picked up her front hoof, taking a torturous looking clipping device and trimming it, the tool making daunting snapping sounds. “’Pigeons? Me? Professor, how would we have brought _pigeons_ into the school? Where would we even get pigeons? The bird store?’”

Sirius barked a laugh and hauled the bag up, setting it next to the feed bins and slicing the top, pouring it. He poked his head out of the room. “You’re a little genius! James would have loved to have you around then.”

“Thank you. I’m glad someone appreciates general nuisance making.” He grumbled, dropping the clipper aside and taking a pick to the inside of her hoof, scraping the unholy devil out of it, though Ma’am didn’t seem to mind.

Sirius disappeared back into the room and picked up a bag of carrots, coming out and shoving the door shut.

“I think James and I couldn’t bear a second of boredom. If things got quiet we had to raise hell just to entertain ourselves.” He scratched her rump and Remus looked up at him, thinking about this, blinking and humming under his breath, turning his gaze back to work. “She doesn’t seem to mind that, hm.”

Sirius rounded to her front and cooed at her, waving carrots and watching her perk up for them, reaching for them in his hands. He hid them behind his back and fed them one by one.

“James likes you, you know.” Sirius said, squeezing her mushy chin while she crunched the carrots in her mouth. “He thinks you’re too cool for me.”

“Too _cool_ for you.” He mumbled, “I haven’t heard that one before.”

“Maybe its your aura. Professor Cowboy Lupin. What’s his backstory. It has to be tragic, doesn’t it?” He fussed as Ma’am reached her great big head around to sniff behind his back for the carrots, nudging his flank roughly.

“ _Tragic_ , why does it have to be tragic?” Remus griped, moving over to her other back hoof, looking up at him on the way with a put upon frown. “And I’m not a professor. Was never a professor.”

“Mm, lecture me _more_ , sir.” He leered and cackled when he growled, feeding her the last carrot and circling round to plop on the ground near by and watch him.

“He’s wrong about that, I can’t be the cool one. You’ve got a muscle car. And a leather jacket. And I think you’re thinking about building a motorcycle in my shed.”

Sirius gasps and beams, “I can?”

“Wh- You didn’t even ask!” He dropped her hoof in distraction and picked it back up.

“Well do you mind if I build a motorcycle in your tool shed?”

“Is that a euphemism?” Sirius couldn’t even think of a response and scoffed at him, still processing the quip. Slightly delighted by it. “Because if it’s a euphemism then yes.”

“Why don’t you make jokes like that around James?”

“I do make jokes around James.” He said as if patiently explaining something obvious.

“But I mean about us.” He pressed, “When Lily and James are around you don’t mention that we’re together. You know that they know. They wouldn’t mind it. It doesn’t bother them.”

Remus didn’t say anything about that for a bit, brushing off the inside of her hoof absently, though it was clear the job was finished.

“He doesn’t care.” Sirius pressed in the absence of response, “He’s always treated it like any other thing. He’d get in fights to defend me. He wouldn’t mind it if you gave me a more than friendly touch every once in a while.”

“I know he wouldn’t mind.” Remus finally let her hoof down and pet her as if to occupy his hands.

“Well then what’s the problem?” Sirius frowned at him confusedly.

“I just- I don’t know, he’s only visited just recently.” His sigh was agitated, “It’s not like I’m hiding it. I haven’t denied it to either of them, it’s not a secret. I’d just rather not make a point of it. If it were up to me I wouldn’t have told him at all.”

Sirius drew his head back, lifting a brow, eyes turning confused and sharp. “Wouldn’t have told him?”

His shoulders stiffening as he went to the feed room and took an armful of hay to throw down for the horse. Sirius stood, crossing his arms.

“Why wouldn’t you tell him about us?”

“Shit, Sirius, I don’t know.” He sighed shrugging. “I don’t care that he knows. I don’t even really care that Lily knows. It’s just if you start telling one person… You just shouldn’t start it.”

“Well they _do_ know, what do you think they’re going to do, announce it to the town?”

“No, obviously not.” He glared at him. “It’s nothing. You don’t have to make something of it.”

“Don’t be an asshole, Remus.” He snapped, “I’m not making anything out of it, you’re acting as if James shouldn’t know about us.”

“Jesus Christ,” Remus muttered, turning away with a shake of his head. “That’s not what I said.”

“Well it sure _sounded_ like what you said, or can you even own up to that. I’m never going to hide anything from him.” He ignored him, eager at this point to get him into a fight.

“Good.” Remus said, meeting his eyes with a disturbingly calm stubbornness, as if he knew what he wanted and did the opposite to spite him.

“Fuck you.” Sirius snapped turned on his heel to stomp off, straight to his car, angry enough to forget exactly why. The car door slammed shut and he turned the key in the ignition without a thought, going back to James.

  


* * *

  


  


“I just don’t understand why he’d say that.” Sirius muttered, leaned against the couch in the tiny living room of their shared house, if it could be called a house. James was cross legged on the floor beside him, drinking a beer, having a makeshift dinner of chicken, and listening to his second retelling of the argument they’d had. He had come home last night to an extremely moody Sirius, asked him what’s wrong, and promptly been given the run down although it was after dark.

Sirius had spent the night with him and the next day, now the afternoon was drawing on later, and they were back to the topic. Sirius smoked, but he was too agitated to share the food. A subtle, low roll of thunder echoed outside on and off.

“He didn’t say he was angry at you for telling me. Did he?” James asked, taking a drink.

“No.” Sirius scowled as if this proved nothing. “But why wouldn’t _he_ have told you? He knows you. He knows Lily!”

“I don’t know.” James sighed thoughtfully. “Some people are more private than you. You know? And yeah, Lily is nice. But her family… I mean I wouldn’t trust her family with you.” Sirius opened his mouth to argue but he cut him off, “I know it doesn’t mean anything for us, I’m just saying he’s right about, you know, about that sort of thing. I’d feel better thinking none of the guys in this town knew about you being queer. And he’s lived here a lot longer than we have.” He shrugged, “I don’t know. He’s nice when we come around, maybe you can work with that.”

“He is nice.” Sirius muttered, feeling a conflicting instinct to defend him. He glared and took a drag only to sigh it out angrily. “I just want him to be more honest about it when you’re around.”

“It hasn’t been very long.” James nudged him with his toe. “Maybe he needs time. Maybe he’s never been open about it before. You know, around people that aren’t gay.”

Sirius frowned, eyes a bit softer, twisting the cigarette in his fingers and thinking. Thinking about his time and flings in Waco, in a university where it was easier to find pockets of familiar people. Maybe he had boyfriends, maybe he’d even had normal friends that he told the truth to. Maybe he told that truth more often. But he still had two parents who didn’t know. Who he never would tell. A small town full of peers that knew him from elementary school but didn’t know the whole truth. Maybe that handful times he’d been open were an exception to the rule.

“I never hid it, back home.” Sirius looked up at him. James nodded and looked off thoughtfully, putting an arm into the seat of the chair he leaned against.

“Yeah. But you also got into fights about it once or twice. And I was there to jump in after you. And you’re you, not him.” _And it was California, not Texas._ James was fair about things, mostly. More now he was older. He’d always been the one Sirius went to for perspective, since they were young and he realized that James didn’t react to things quite the same as his own family had, didn’t withhold happiness, friendship, comfort, the same way. Sirius had grabbed on to it and refused to let go. And he was also fair.

They had done their fair share of careless cruelty when they were younger, yes. But when Sirius had found himself in his first quarrels with James, he’d expected that to be the end of them. He hadn’t expected James to be so ready to get past it, to resolve and move on.

Sirius sighed and reached his hand out for the bottle, taking a drink and passing it back. He hugged James and James chuckled and patted him on the back. He’d always treated him like a brother, unafraid to show affection, since they were kids and it had come thoughtlessly and naturally.

Sirius walked out onto the little front porch, looking at the sky, flicking the butt of the cigarette on the ground. There had been a storm cloud hanging on the horizon, only since the afternoon, threatening to approach the town as the day moved on. Now it hovered close, bringing a storm wind thick with petrichor and a rare feeling of humidity. He hadn’t seen a raincloud since he’d arrived in Valentine. Clouds, sure, light white fluffy things that came once in a while to break the white-blue board of the sky. But this brought a shadow under it.

Sirius stepped back in and shrugged on his jacket, pulling on shoes.

“It looks like it might rain. I’m just going to go check on him.”

James lifted his head from his spot on the floor, tearing off a piece of chicken, “Be careful.”

“I will!” He started for the door and scooped up the keys.

“And be gentle!”

“ _I am gentle!”_ Sirius shouted and slammed the door behind him, hopping into the Impala and starting for the ranch. As he drove the cloud hovered more, chasing the birds that took flight from the parched grass as if in preparation. He hadn’t felt good since he’d gotten back to James’ last night. His anger was a quick short fuse that burned out much the same. He could hold a bad mood for days, but not real anger. As he drove on, the horrible feeling he’d been carrying around began to mix with a foreboding while the sky darkened and the grass began to wave and bend with the wind.

A tumbleweed flew across his head lights and he was so concerned at the speed of it that he didn’t even comment on the how stereotypical it was.

When he pulled up to the farm he parked next to the ancient truck and hopped out, pulling the leather jacket closer around his shoulders. He didn’t like the look of things. He set off briskly toward the barn to check if he was there, the wind pulling at his hair.

He thought briefly, as he approached the looming building, with his hands in the jacket pockets, _what if he doesn’t want me here?_

He never handled rejection well, but he’d also always had a problem listening when fear poked his heart. So he rushed into the barn, stopping suddenly just inside.

Remus was cinching the girth on Ma’am, looking up at him and pausing only just. He had a rough denim jacket on for the rain they expected to come. Pitch barked at his arrival and trotted over to him.

“Hey.” Sirius blurted.

“Hey.” He looked at him for another moment, hands already starting back up buckling the belt. “I’ve got to go out to get the cows… before it rains.”

“Okay.” Sirius nodded, distractedly patting a hand on the dog’s head as she pawed at his hip. “I’ll come with you.” He started to the tack room, pausing when he called him back.

“It’s not really safe, right now.”

“We don’t really have time for this, do we?” Sirius hastily slung a bridle on Top Cart’s saddle, a blanket over top both, and hauled them into the breezeway. Remus had already led the second horse into the way and started throwing the saddle on his back while Sirius put the bridle on. Top Cart wasn’t as quick to cooperate as Ma’am but he listened with a little prompting. Both of the horses were watching the open air, ears pricked forward and noses flaring with their draconic huffs, well aware of the looming rain.

“Switch.” Remus said just as he dropped the stirrup down from the horn of the saddle, nodding toward the other horse. Sirius rushed over to her and jumped into her saddle. Just about as soon as they mounted they took off, trotting briskly toward the open gate. Pitch ran ahead of them, keeping a tight radius around the group.

“Are you okay?” Remus asked, looking at him with a rough concern.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” He nodded, “Are you okay?”

“Good.” He nodded. They reached the gate then and set a fast canter, wind kicking up and the thunder rolling as if in warning. It seemed to come on so fast. He thought back to an hour or so earlier, trying to recall how far away the cloud was. It hadn’t looked like it would rain at all in the morning, now or in a year.

Raindrops began to fall as they traveled, cold and discomforting, dappling the fur on the horses. The sprinkle kept up until they came upon the herd, slowing to a trot.

“Be careful where you are, stay behind them and not to the side. If they get scared they might stampede.” Remus seemed to push his concern about him down as he spoke. There wasn’t any time to worry about his lack of experience.

“Got it.” Sirius nodded sharply.

Remus clicked his tongue and gave a sharp kick. They set off around the herd and Pitch shot off alongside them, putting distance between them as she started pressuring the cows forward. The wind started to howl, whipping the dusting of droplets so that they came from the side. The cows bayed worriedly, calves scuttling up beside their mothers.

As he rode, Sirius noticed a figure to his right. He peered through the gloom, making out a cow huddled against a low rock and stone formation where bushes had grown out. There was a little bundle, folded up on the ground beside her.

The late calf. She must have come here to give birth only just now. Sirius turned the rein sharply and skirted the back of the herd to Remus, calling him over. He led him to the two of them, huddled in the rain as it picked up into a humming wash that made the dust beneath them turn to yellow clay.

“We have to get the rest home.” Remus spoke over the din. Sirius looked like he was going to resist, unsure even of what he’d say, but Remus turned back. “Come on! We’ll come back.”

He nodded and turned with him, side by side catching up to the back of the herd and following. Pitch gave a sharp bark to the left side and Remus followed her to keep strays from parting away.

Thunder rumbled along their way and by the time they reached the gate, precariously funneling the group through and into the home pasture, the rain was drenching them and drowning out the sound of the hooves.

They ducked their heads in the wash, hovering until every last one was through, meeting in the open gate. Pitch stood beside them, her head lower and eyes narrowed through the storm.

“You ready?” Sirius asked him.

“We should get in!” Remus called over the rain. “We could get lost, it’s not safe.”

“You said we’d go back!” He snapped. Remus seemed to halt, considering whether he would.

Sirius felt a flicker of foolishness. Persisting for two cows lost at the range, as if it was worth risking them on the backs of two horses who had minds of their own and could throw them, or they could lose Pitch. There could be a flashflood. But he knew if they went inside that he’d think about the little newborn calf through the night, too cold to get up, its very first hours on earth full of storm and confusion.

Maybe it was foolish.

“Alright.” Remus decided, the reluctancy replaced by a determined, tone. They pulled the gate shut and turned into the deluge.

Pitch followed them, ducking behind and following close behind the horses’ drenched tails, which blew in the winds and clung to their soaked legs. They pressed through, side by side, keeping close to each other. The clothes they wore were permeated with water, heavy on their skin, the ends of their jackets dripping.

It felt as if they might get lost, the thought scared him as soon as he felt disoriented. Unsure of which way home was. He kept beside Remus, breathe coming a bit shallower as they trotted on.

Out of the unchanging search and the scream of the wind, he heard Pitch’s voice. Her bark sprang through, muffled but urgent, drawing them instantly toward her through the grey dark.

They came on her, pointing at the lost cows, her rough bark making the mother swing her tail nervously. Remus moved at her back and tried to pressure the heifer away, swinging a rope tied to the horse’s saddle at her. She wouldn’t move, turning on him and running him off, then turning back to round on the dog at her heals.

Remus came up beside him and shouted, “The only way to get the calf home is if we pull the mother away with a rope. It could take an hour.”

“We have to try.” He wiped the water from his eyes.

Remus circled around her front and lassoed her, getting the rope around her neck. He began directing Top Cart back, putting pressure on the rope which he’d wrapped around the horn of the saddle, leaning hard against the line.

The cow threw her head and resisted, pacing around the calf and braying at them, but hardly moving. It seemed impossible, but for the dog who circled around behind her. Pitch barked at her heels and dodged back when the cow turned on her, only to needle back in. They inched her slowly away like this. Pushing and pulling. Eventually Pitch snapped at her heels, darting out of the way of a kick as the heifer ran from her, putting good distance between her and the calf.

Sirius leapt on an impulse, kicking Ma’am between the cow and the calf. He stopped her and hurled off of her to the ground, running to the calf and scooping it up in his arms. The mother took notice and came back for the calf, pulling Top Cart along with her. Sirius shrank back but saw Pitch leap in front of the cow and snarl and snap at her, Ma’am raising her head and neighing angrily at her so that the cow hesitated. Sirius ran to the saddle and, though the horse swayed and stomped, he managed to push the little cow over her shoulders. It was no little baby, the newborn weighed about sixty or seventy pounds, and his arms strained to push it up. He scrambled onto the saddle, slipping and clinging and barely managing to mount the moving saddle as Ma’am moved away from the cow. With his leg over her other side, he hunched over the calf and let her carry them to a safer distance. His fingers gripped the baby’s fur, pulled snug in his lap, squeezing tight while his own heartbeat thundered to the rumble of the world raging around him.

Pitch never stopped barking at the cow, harassing it as if waiting for it to defy her. Remus rode to his side, trotting along his side as they faced home through the long dark.

“ _Are you_ _fucking crazy_?” He shouted, hands around the rope as Top Cart took up beside Ma’am.

“All good!” Sirius shouted back, panting from the blood rushing in his heart. _Only as crazy as I can get away with._

They kept moving and Remus kept the rope slack while the mother followed along anxiously. Sirius had no idea where they were going but kept his arm pinned to the little drenched calf across his lap, legs gone numb gripping the sides of the saddle, one hand holding the both the rein and a tangle of her mane. Remus led them as if he knew exactly what direction they were going.

Eventually, the gate came into view. Remus went ahead to push it open, carefully leading the cow through with Pitch on her heels, while Sirius worked the gate shut. He shimmed the rope until he got it loose enough to come off her neck and pulled the line into a roll, hanging it on the horn. Remus waved him along and they trotted through the field, spotting the herd huddled in a mass in and around the walls of the barn and a nearby lean-to, sheltering from the wind. They parted slowly as the riders approached the opening, clearing the breezeway when Remus and Pitch shooed them.

The mother hovered around them as if she knew what they had was hers, waiting for something to happen to reunite them. Remus paused for a moment once they were firmly in the shelter of the barn, wiping the water from his face before he swung off of Top Cart and came over to Sirius’ knee. He was still holding on to Ma’am’s hair and rein, and the calf, and his hands shook a little. He wasn’t scared. Or he couldn’t feel it. But his body felt frozen in the saddle.

Remus reached for his arm pinned over the calf, palm resting on his damp skin. Sirius thought for a moment before figuring out how to lift his hand up and let Remus pull the calf down. He took the weight in his arms, shifting it into a good grip, and carried it around to the mother who sniffed it and followed with her nose reaching out to the calf. Remus placed the little thing in an open stall, laying in dry hay, where the mother followed to lick its fur until it was dry.

Remus came back to his side, pausing at the horse’s shoulder and leaning against it, taking a big breath and puffing it out. Sirius noticed that the rain was outside, pounding away, but leaving them finally untouched.

Remus looked up at him, their eyes meeting.

“You coming down?” He asked. Sirius jerked his head, nodding. A moment passed without progress.

“Okay.” Remus murmured and reached a hand up to him, hand sliding over his arm, fingers wrapping around his wrist. He gave a slight tug and Sirius nodded again and started shifting, making his way off. Remus kept a hand on his arm while he came down. Once on the ground again, he hovered with his hands on her neck. Remus’ hand brushed across his back and he disappeared, starting to take the saddle off Top Cart. Sirius watched, suddenly becoming aware of how tired he was. He hadn’t really slept last night, restless as he was.

Remus came to Ma’am next and started on her saddle while Sirius slowly worked the bridle straps off and removed it. Remus hauled the gear into the tack room and reappeared with two big towels, one that he passed to Sirius.

Sirius worked the life back into his limbs drying her off. When Remus finished he came to her and helped him towel her legs and back. Then they led them into their stalls. Sirius hovered in her stall with her, hand on her shoulder while she shook her head and sniffed her feed bucket. Remus appeared with two buckets and poured feed into their buckets which the horses took to. Sirius patted her side, feeling the skin flicker under his hand, her great ribs breathing. She was warm again, heating him.

Remus came to him and put a hand on his back. Sirius followed him, coming to the barn door to look out into the storm. The rain carried on, so dark the house was barely visible. What seemed just a little way turned to a distant shelter.

“Want to wait it out?” Remus asked, shoulders drooping in exhaustion.

“Yeah.” Sirius said, blinking through the exhaustion that suddenly fell on his body and mind.

Remus looked at the cows hovering in the barn. He took his hand and pulled him to the feed room. He shut the door behind them, keeping the animals away, and sat down in the huge pile of hay against the wall. Sirius dropped beside him, legs shaking a little as he came down.

Remus reached for him, working the jacket off his shoulders, bit by bit, Sirius shrugging his shoulders and pulling his arms through despite their weakness. They threw it to the side and Sirius helped pull the denim off Remus, tugging until he was free. It left them in the dark, wet t-shirts clinging to their bodies, finally able to hear the sound of their breathing through the rain.

Remus looked at him for a moment, the indistinct silhouette of him, before flopping back into the hay. Sirius followed, panting and laying his head on his shoulder. Remus wrapped a sluggish arm around his back. Sirius lay there in the silence, moving his head until he could listen, blinking at the dark. Listen to the sound of his heart, a proving pulse. A mark in the void: someone is here.

“Next time,” Remus rasped, his chest rising and falling under his cheek. “We leave the calf behind.”

Sirius hummed in agreement, as if he made any promises, resting a hand on his damp shirt. Remus rolled to his side and wrapped him in his arms, the two of them clinging together until they were warm.

They fell asleep that way the rain a shimmer outside the world.

In the morning, the stillness woke them. They came out to find the dawn only just arriving. It was silent but for the dripping of the soaked world. The birds had been chased away.

They went to the house and peeled of their clothes, not bothering to put them away or waiting for a shower. Crawled into the sheets of the bed and curled up, breathing slow and deep and warming each other. Careless for the day, for now.

  


* * *

  


  


Lunch was a quiet affair. Hungry people don’t waste time talking when there’s food available. They woke up the day after the storm, after noon had passed. Remus went out while Sirius put the food together, playing catch up on the morning with the farm and all the animals.

They slouched at the table comfortable just to eat, having missed dinner and breakfast, until they sat satisfied.

“Do you want to go swimming?” Was the first full sentence Remus spoke of the day. Sirius raised his gaze to him, lifting a brow.

“Swimming… where?”

“There’s a tributary to the Rio Grande that floods when it rains.” He shrugged. “If we don’t go today it’ll probably run dry by tomorrow.”

Sirius perked up, nodding. They wrapped up work and let another hour pass before saddling up. They decided to leave the herd close to home this evening, just for tonight. Remus was polite as usual, but communications were low, though he didn’t restrict their touches. A hand on the elbow or his back, despite the quiet.

They put hats on for the late afternoon ride, shading their eyes and face. The horses carried them slowly into the desert. Every lingering cloud from the storm head the night before was gone. This morning when they’d finally gone to the house, everything dripped. The grass around the farm glittered in the dim glimmer of dawn that peeked through the receding clouds.

Now the only damp places were those hidden in shade. Despite this, the land seemed to have exploded over the course of the day. While he’d been sleeping, eating, everything that thirsted in the desert had triumphed. Plant life had appeared that hadn’t even existed before the rain, burst from the soil and the rubble as if it had waited dormant for a drop of water to activate its eruption. The cacti were fuller, and all around there was dotted green, practically germinating as the seconds passed. They seemed to talk to each other, vibrating together, waving hands and celebrating.

Flowers had bloomed on the cacti. Pink and blood red. And yellow dotted the land, paint strokes of thirst quenched.

Sirius appreciated the quiet ride. It had seemed like he’d met his own match in chaos and it was a nice break, just looking around, following the familiar comfort of Remus in front of him.

He thought, _whatever has bloomed today won’t last long._

Only the life that had been here before would survive, veterans of thirst.

Nothing survives in the desert that doesn’t belong there.

The horses came up to a rocky valley, a place he’d yet to explore. A dip in the land that lowered into a shallow, narrow pass. They walked through the stones for a moment, scattering lizards and birds in the shadows. Then out onto an even patch of ground, nestled against a low wall leading up to the rest of the land. And there it was.

The river flowed through the fold, in and out of the sun, quiet but for the occasional bubble. Broad, flat stones lined its path, sloping into the current.

“Whoa.” Sirius whispered. “How did you know…” He trailed off, looking at him. Remus looked to his side, busying his hands in a perfectly natural way, as if checking the saddle for something, making himself look so honestly as if he had a reason not to meet his gaze. It worked so well for him. Sirius only started realizing now.

“I’ve lived here a long time.” He said, glancing at him with those so often gentle eyes. Amber and warm. Honest about how kind he was, despite the hardness behind them that loomed like stone. “Watch for snakes,” he murmured, and they came off their horses and gave them bundles of hay to enjoy. They swished their tails and settled down in the shade of the wall, while the two stripped off their shirts and shoes and jeans, down to their underwear. Sirius stole glances at him, pleased at the little sights, his bare shoulders and arms, the smooth skin of his back and the hair on his legs.

They shuffled carefully across the stones, padding on their flat surfaces to the river’s edge, where the sun shined. Sirius crouched down and reached a hand to touch. The water was cool but not painfully so. The sun was already making him sweat again, dampening his hair and heating the bare skin of his back. He followed beside him as they stepped gingerly into the water, sinking down to their thighs.

“Holy shit.” Sirius laughed, “We’re in a river!”

Remus smiled and they waded further into the middle, lowering into the water until it lapped at their chests. The current wasn’t too strong for them, a gentle tug that broke and carried on without them. Sirius ran his hands under the surface, watching his skin waver in the glassy green silk, glittering in sunlight.

Remus flicked a hand at him to splash his face, sprinkle making him suck a breath in and jump. He blinked at his mischievous smirk, beaming and splashing him back. Remus laughed and turned away from him, blocking the water with his shoulder. Sirius jumped on him, clinging to his shoulders. Remus dropped easily, letting them both sink down under the water.

Sirius let go and came up for air, pushing his hair back, delighted at the coolness. He hadn’t realized how much heat was locked in his hair, insulated in his muscles, baked into his skin. The water sapped all of it out of him, making it suddenly as if the sun was a different being, bouncing off them harmlessly.

They ducked under and swam around, feeling at the pebbly bottom, watching the sun shine through in patterns, turning the insides of their eyes pink.

When he came up again he peeked his head out of the water and spotted Remus standing beside. His back turned to him just so, the sun illuminating a few scars on his sturdy shoulders. He lifted his hands from the water and ran them over his face, water dripping out of his hair. He pushed it back and scooped water up and rubbed his hands over his face, huffing out air, soothed by the coolness. Sirius waded toward him, face half dipped in the water as if he was sneaking up on him, circling round his front and wrapping his arms around his hips. Remus blinked the water out of his eyes and dropped his hands to his shoulders, chuckling softly in surprise.

“Hey.” He hummed. Sirius hummed in return and stood up, sliding his arms up around his sides, up under his arms and around his ribs. The water brushed their arms, cooling them despite the glitter that reflected off the water and lit up the drops on their skin.

He kissed him once, lightly. It calmed his heart. Loosened tightness in his chest he hadn’t even seen yet. Remus exhaled through his nose, hands locking behind his back, fingers brushing his skin. Their mouths parted and he leaned their foreheads together, blinking at the water that traveled between them and away. Sirius watched quietly with him, their arms overlapped. He tilted his chin forward enough to nudge their noses together, kissing the corner of his mouth before pulling back to look at him.

“I’m sorry for running off the other day... I hated that we fought. I felt like shit all night.” Sirius said. It wasn’t difficult for him. He was prideful and he could stand his ground even if it was crumbling salt and sand. But it felt far away now, he’d thought about it, and he wasn’t even angry anymore.

Remus looked at him and nodded as if already conceding with him, expression open, forgiving.

“I’m sorry, too.” He shook his head, eyes on his collar. “It was just… I didn’t mean to upset you, really. I shouldn’t have said that… I don’t want you to feel like a secret. I felt like shit, too.” He huffed a hushed little laugh.

“I understand.” Sirius shrugged. “I mean I know things aren’t that easy. That simple.”

“I don’t mind if you want to show. When James is around. You can touch me, if you want, when they’re here. It’s fine.” He shrugged a shoulder. “You know I wouldn’t turn you away.”

“I didn’t.” Sirius shook his head, “I didn’t know.”

Sirius was sensitive to him when they were around, no matter what was going on around them, aware of his reactions to most everything. He wanted him to be comfortable. He didn’t want him to feel exposed, private as he was. He would call him darling and hover closer than maybe a friend would, but he hadn’t tried more in company. He wouldn’t put himself into a situation where he might be rejected, even if in the subtle way that Remus would do. He wouldn’t even know what to do with himself in that position.

“Well it’s true.” Remus mumbled. “I wouldn’t. I’m just not used to it. It’s just… a habit. But I’m not… I know James is important and I wouldn’t get in the way of that. And I like him.” He shrugged. “So don’t worry about it.”

Sirius blinked his light grey gaze at his lips and the features of his face. His arms unwound from his ribs and wrapped around his neck, resting on his shoulders, leaning against him. Remus looked at his face, staring back, lips parted just so.

“What?” Sirius asked. His lips quirked up. “What are you thinking about?” 

“Just… how beautiful you are.” He said plainly. He said as if talking about the weather, but he stared as if now was his last chance. “You’re so pretty.”

Sirius’ expression smoothed out, not sure what to say. He could never tell just what he was thinking until he said it, at least he was better at reading him but it wasn’t an open book. It was glimpses at thoughts. If he wanted them hidden, they had to be watched for. Now he was caught off guard.

“Well…” Sirius started, unsure what to say.

Remus leaned in to kiss him, gently cutting him off. Sirius’ brow creased and he sighed, that familiar response that hammered on Remus’ soul, trained it to him. He lifted a hand, droplets babbling back into the water and onto his shoulder when he touched the side of his face, holding him soft.

Sirius pressed them closer together, tightening his arms around his neck and opening their lips to each other, tasting the remnants of the water. They kissed and kissed, bellies breathing against each other, warm together in the coolness.

The sun warmed his arms around his shoulders. Lighting up their own Texas. Hidden in the valley and the riverbed.

  


* * *

  


In bed they lay together, hidden under the blankets, against the pillows. Dampness had cooled on their skin. Black hair tangled on the pillow, clung to his cheek, lips still red with blush. They were well fed and there was nothing between them and the morning but rest. This was one of Sirius’ favorite places to be.

He traced his fingers over Remus’ arm, following the little dip on the inside of his elbow.

“What was it like coming home from college?” Sirius asked, murmuring quietly. He could see him blink at the ceiling for a moment. “Were you happy to come back here?”

“Happy…” His voice hesitated on the word, making audible the thinking he did about it. He considered what to say. “I was relieved to be back. Just because I had to come home, I needed to get back to take care of my mom. But she was sick. So I don’t think I was happy. No.”

“You took care of her?” Sirius shifted his head on the pillow.

“Yeah.” He whispered, nodded at the dark. Sirius let some quiet pass before he whispered.

“How bad was she then?”

“It didn’t take long.” He said matter of factly. Graceful about hard truths like he could be. “There wasn’t much to be done. We didn’t talk about it, but I could tell. There weren’t any doctors coming around here. And she just got worse… I read to her a lot.”

“You read? What kind of things?”

“All kinds of stuff.” He said to the dark. “Things I’d found at school. The newspaper. Books she wanted to share with me. Her favorite parts of the bible… Poems. Whatever she wanted to hear. And we’d talk about it. We were happy to catch up with each other after I’d been gone so long.”

“That sounds nice.” Sirius whispered, truly. He thought fondly of the idea, the two of them. There was no imagining something like that between he and his own mother. When his thoughts turned to her, they did not mold a supposed comfort, a better relationship. They just paused at the confusion, the coldness. The empty places where a mother’s love is supposed to be, he couldn’t even really tell where that was.

“You know, I…” Remus trailed off, reticent about his every secret. Holding every important thing so close to his chest. All Sirius could do was listen and pray he would manage to say the words. “I had gotten my letter of approval, in the mail… My acceptance letter to grad school. While I was here.”

Sirius took a brief second to process the new information, he hadn’t known he’d gone through with applying. “What did she say?”

“I didn’t tell her.” The quiet took the words. Hid them with the brush of the breeze against the side of the house, just barely noticeable.

“Why?”

He swallowed, lifting a hand to rest on his stomach.

“I don’t know. She was… She was dying. I couldn’t show it to her. I didn’t even want to look at it myself. I put it away in a drawer that day, it’s probably still there.”

Sirius let the silence rest for a while. Watching him close his eyes and just breathe for a little while. Deceptively smooth, as if sleeping. But he could feel the words in the air still hanging over them, the story still lingering the ghost of the past. Not so distant past, really.

“I’m sure she would have been happy for you.” Sirius whispered gently.

“She would have been elated.” He said.

_Maybe that’s why. Maybe it would have been too hard. When you didn’t even want to look at it, to think past her._

It seemed enough silence had passed for him to manage to speak again. Slowly.

“I think… I think she knew.” Sirius didn’t ask what because it could only be one thing. “About me. She didn’t ask me but- just something she said, near the end. You know how they say a mother knows.” He swallowed and turned his head away from him. “Well I think she knew.”

Sirius watched his chest rise and fall for a while, thoughts shifting in his mind, uncovering and creating understanding for him. Creating another place in his story. Hushed in the safety of the dark. Protected there so he could watch him bleed from this wound. Watch him remove the gauze. Slowly wipe the blood away, cleaning it once again, only now there was someone to see. Someone to watch him crawl into a place far away from everything and everyone, a place he could stop once in a while to limp for the pain, where no one would have to see. Watch him take up a new little piece of bandage, clean and white, cover up the wound and press it down just so. Wondering if the next time he looked, would it be smaller? Would it shrink?

But carrying on as if he thought it never would.

Sirius lifted up on his elbow gingerly. There was no sign of change from him, no hitch of breath, no swallow in his throat, no squeeze of his fingers. For the all the world, he could be just lying still, going to sleep.

Hiding away the person inside who pressed on the injury, waiting for the bleeding to stop.

Sirius scooted up by his side, closing the distance between them, until their heat mingled. He lay down his head and let his hand fall on his front, beside his, raising and lowering with his breathing. Remus didn’t turn his head, just let him shift closer so he pressed against his side. Lifted his own hand to his, so they held each other.

Sirius burrowed into the warmth and tucked his mouth against his shoulder, the comfort of his scent, settling in place. He felt Remus draw in a deeper breath, slight though it was, and let it out softly.

He closed his eyes and let it be until they slept.

  


* * *

  


  


Sirius put it together in the following days, why Remus was still here.

It was clear he could have gone. He had prospects back in the city he’d left, a place he could go back to. A plan he could get started with. It was clear that to say he was making a living was to say just that. The ranch didn’t make him wealthy, he made only as much as could support him.

He could find a buyer for the land or give it to the government. Sirius knew by simple proxy to his family that there was oil in Texas, maybe even on this land. It might even sell for a hefty sum.

True, he seemed at home here. He did the work without complaint, it seemed enjoyable to him. But it was a lot of work. And it was just him here.

But he was never going to sell the ranch. With everything that had passed here, it would be selling his grief away. Selling his past, his love, part of who he was.

When they drove the cattle in the evenings, Sirius considered selling the skyline. That sunset that kept them company on the horizon and soothed the ends of their longest days. But he could see how hard that would be. Where would he ever find that piece of the sky again? That deal made with the land to live together, to heal the every day injuries gathered from traveling through life. The sun would set every day, everywhere on earth, it would look the same. But it couldn’t be the same.

There would be no work sown into those evenings, no ghosts with them to watch the moon rise, the stars crown the world.

And maybe that was worth more to Remus than a master’s or finding a boyfriend in the city. 

So, Sirius passed another week in September, between Valentine and The Last Star, happy to listen to every update on James’ budding relationship with Lily and to have him over for lunch. Reading letters from Regulus and the Potters, and reviews on recent albums from _The Who_ and _The Beatles,_ reports about the war and the raging of the protests against it _._ Planning to take a ride to the next towns over, Alpine or maybe Fort Stockton, to pick up new records. Sirius wanted a copy of “The Supremes A’ Go-Go”, being an honest fan of that album. No matter how much he listened to Hendrix, or how much he was interested in the new band Led Zeppelin, their debut having come a few months ago. Sirius was pushing to get a TV in the living room, he wasn’t pushing hard because Remus also wanted something to watch movies on.

Remus was quiet. He had been since their argument before the storm, but Sirius supposed it had been an eventful stretch, he didn’t pay it much mind. He seemed alright. He didn’t mind when Sirius glued to his side on the couch with company over. He was perfectly reciprocal, never public with his hungry eyes or seeking hands, but always public about his reception of Sirius’ claims to him. Seeming to get on with James more and more every day.

He just seemed constantly in thought, for days.

Sirius didn’t press hard. Maybe he would have when he was a teenager. But he’d learned a little better how to leave a bone he wasn’t allowed to chew, though he hoped his itching mind would be scratched or distracted eventually. And he adored him enough to be satisfied with watching him work on a thought privately.

Remus started out to find the cows. Sirius hopped up with him, hastily setting a book from Remus’ study aside, shoving on his shoes.

“You don’t have to come if you don’t want.” Remus said, not unkind.

“Of course.” Sirius said breathily, following behind him out the door to the barn. True he didn’t have to come. He didn’t always. He didn’t mind if he got caught in town at work or with James, occupied with other things. But he hadn’t quite missed a dusk ride while he was actually on the farm, yet. He planned to. But he liked them. And tonight was a little later than usual, so why not.

The horses wouldn’t appreciate a later dinner than they were quite favorable to. Sirius was sure they could actually read the clock on the wall, the way they kept a schedule, a routine.

The sky was a bit heavy with darkness as they crossed out into the land, pure velvet and thick with violet. The moon was already on high, hanging nearly full, lazily bringing in its reign to the desert. Carrying on its millennium long sharing of the table of the land with the sun. Passing a chair to one only to kept for a while before offering it back to the other.

They were searching for the herd, passing by the foothills of a low plateau, when they heard a howl. It rang out, mellow and soft on the ears, but clear as a bell.

They stopped and stared its way, to the hills, looking for it.

There it was. Standing far enough away that it was only a shape. But certainly it stared at them. Watching back.

“That’s a wolf.” Sirius whispered through the dusk. A moment of silence passed.

“I thought there were no wolves here anymore.” Remus breathed. When Sirius looked at him he was still watching the creature, expression frozen into subtle shock. He’d thought they were all gone, the last survivors of their population disappeared.

“I guess not.” Sirius murmured, and they watched for what felt like forever. Remus’ expression settled into a wide eyed thought. Who knew what it was.

Then he moved, just slightly, and his horse walked on. He was silent most of the night. Sirius had discovered since he’d come here that he didn’t mind it like before. Between the animals and the company and the land and sky, enough seemed to talk on its own to comfort him in the quiet. A place he’d feared before, a place he’d prevented with music and busy making and chaos for as long as he could remember.

When they got home, Sirius picked up his car keys and shrugged on his jacket. Took note of his book on the table between the couch and the recliner, the newspaper open to the page he’d been reading earlier. He’d come back and return to his things where he’d left them.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?” Sirius hummed, coming to the front door where Remus was kicking off his shoes. Remus made a distracted noise of acknowledgement under his breath, nodding at his feet as he arranged the shoes out of the way with a nudge.

Sirius waited a second for him to finish and touched his hand full of keys to his arm when he lifted his head, coming in close and kissing his mouth chastely. His hair slid forward to brush his face. Remus’ body almost drooped, slowly unfurling the way it did when his mind got taken up with his lips, sometimes even for these little hello’s and goodbye’s. A thing the body does without thinking. The evidence of the extrajudicial in life, the movements of the soul outside of the mind’s court.

The mythical, the miraculous, the heavenly. Love.

That which turned Sirius to him like a dog recognizing the scent of another, that which brought Remus to leave him a trail to follow, being one to leave no trace.

That which offered no explanation but contained perfect and simple truth.

Sirius used his free hand to squeeze Remus’. “See you soon.”

“Yeah.” Remus nodded. He was thinking something. Sirius knew it. But he let it be, stepping out and to his car. He dropped in and started up, looking forward to dinner and board games with James.

  


* * *

  


  


Sirius rolled back down the over long dirt lane in the early afternoon of the next day, playing the radio and letting his hand hang out the window with a cigarette.

Johnny Cash drawled on the speakers to a country beat, _Well I knew that snake was my own sweet dad, from a worn out picture that my mother’d had. And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye. He was big and bent and gray and old and I looked at him and my blood ran cold and I said: ‘My name is Sue! How do you do? Now you’re gonna die!’ Yeah, that’s what I told ‘im!_

His hair hovered in the restless air as he took a drag, huffing it out and watching the heat shimmer on the summer horizon. Dust clouded the road behind him. He’d couldn’t wait to put together the motorcycle, race it down the interstate, see how Remus reacted to it.

He pulled up to the farm and turned the key briskly, popping the smoke in his mouth and hopping out, shoving the door shut and tossing the cigarette in the dirt to step out. He only remembered as he strolled up to the house that he didn’t want to make a habit of stringing cigarette butts around the farm, reminding himself to keep them in the trashcans.

He stomped up the steps and into the door, calling for Remus. Threw his jacket over the back of the couch. He thought he’d be inside around this time, taking a break for lunch and escaping the hottest part of the day. He went to the kitchen for him and spotted the door cracked open. He pulled it and pushed through the screen door out, onto the back porch, to find him sat on the bench.

“Hey!” Sirius chirped, smiling.

“Hey.” Remus looked up at him, forgetting to smile at him for a moment. He didn’t get up, stayed slouched back on the bench with an arm over the back, distracted. A cigarette resting in his hand against his leg.

“Had to look around for you there.” Sirius shoved his hands in his pockets, tilting his head at him to give him a little paternal like smile. “I thought I might catch you before lunch.”

Remus nodded as he did automatically when he didn’t have anything to say, managing the conversation with non-responses. Sirius blinked quietly at him, speaking again at that.

“Have you eaten yet?” He started to take a step closer, hands intending to reach out and brush a lock of honey-brown hair from his brow. Remus sat forward and paused him before he’d taken a hand from his pockets.

“No, um.” He leaned his elbows on his knees and crushed the cigarette out in an ashtray on a little rickety table before the bench. “Can we talk for a second?”

Sirius’ smile disappeared instantly, eyes becoming quiet. His raising caused him to miss certain social cues, things he’d had to learn from the Potters in adolescence. But he never missed a feeling like this. The moment before something. Growing up in a house of storms, kids learn to smell the rain before it comes.

“Yes.” Sirius nodded, looking at him with an open but eerily empty gaze.

He thought, _now I’m about to get it out from him, what he’s been carrying around this week._ Suddenly he wasn’t sure he wanted it anymore.

Remus leaned on his elbows over his knees, hands together in front him. Handsome. Even now that the sight of his lean frame made him wary, now looked unbending rather than comfortingly steady.

“I just…” He started again with a big breath. “I don’t know, I was wondering, what you’re thinking about- uh, the next few months.”

Sirius’ chin tucked back, brow twitching. “I don’t know. Why?” He didn’t give him much time to respond, pulled his hands out of his pockets. “Do you have some urgent plans to make?”

“No.” Remus shook his head, voice still low and expression still smooth but for the considering or concerned furrow to his brow. “No. I was just wondering… wondering… I guess how long you’re planning on - on sticking around.”

Sirius stared at him blankly, just the tightness in his fine features betraying the speed of his disdain. He thought,

_Don’t do this to me now. Don’t do this._

“That’s a pretty stupid question, isn’t it.” Sirius said harshly, brooking no egg-mouthing of the point.

“Sirius.” His expression flattened with a curt exhale and Sirius interrupted him.

“Because it sounds pretty fucking stupid. Or just exceedingly rude, but you can’t do that on accident.”

Remus rubbed his brow to betray his frustration, “Sirius, I just wanted to talk about the future, figure out your plans. You don’t have to get upset.”

“Why, do you not want me here?” He snapped, “Because if not you’re approaching this with very misleading signals.”

Remus growled through gritted teeth and pushed his hair back. “No, I- “ He huffed and stood up walking to the porch railing and leaned a hand against it. “I just want to know where you’re at, talk about where we’re going.”

“I’m _here,_ I’m going _here_ , I didn’t exactly make… _plans.”_ Sirius stood quite straight, tense in every line. Unsure what he was getting at. Remus left it quiet for a moment as if to diffuse the energy so quick to build from him.

“Look.” He said evenly. Sirius hated, vitriolically, just then how easily he calmed down under pressure. “I don’t want… to have this conversation, either. I just want to have a talk, with you, about us. Instead of blindly stumbling forward.”

_It felt more like an extremely pleasant stroll forward to me._

Sirius managed his angry fear, visibly trying at turning to a more open mind. He wanted to work with him, always, and respected his ideas even if they didn’t agree with him. Perhaps it wasn’t what he felt it was.

“Okay.” Sirius nodded, stormy eyes considering. “What did you want to talk about?”

“Well…” Remus turned out to the land, leaning both hands on the rail. His expression was locked and clouded; his tone seemed as if it discomforted him deeply to speak. “Have you thought about how long you want to stay here?”

Sirius stepped forward to share the rail with him, daring not to come close and refusing to lean against it as well.

“No.” Sirius said, “No, of course not. I… I haven’t thought of anything like that. I didn’t plan on _going_ anywhere.”

Remus nodded, pursing his lips and running the lower between his teeth briefly.

“Have you thought about what that would be like?” He said slowly. It was clear he was making himself speak. Sirius grit his teeth, bewildered.

“Wh- no, I hadn’t considered what it would be like to stay here, what forever?” He shrugged. “I didn’t know I was invited to move in!”

“You already sort of… I mean, you spend at least half your nights here. You work here almost like I do, you sleep in my bed. It’s been just me here, since before you and now you’ve got a drawer in my closet. Your things around the house. I’m not- there’s nothing wrong with it. I’m just, just trying to show you how it feels. It’s kind of like you do… live here. A little.” He breathed sort of uneven, shifting on his feet.

Sirius thought. He didn’t deny the way it was, he was right. But he struggled to place the significance of it for a moment.

“Well.” He paused. “I like it here. Is that not alright?”

“No, it’s…” He rubbed his thumb on the rail. “No, it’s just I’m not sure if you planned on making it… a long term. Sort of thing.”

“I think I would like it here.” Sirius murmured, earnestly. “I don’t want to leave.”

“Do you think you would?” He asked as if he didn’t believe this. He stood up a bit more, looking at him. “Because it doesn’t seem like you.”

“What?” Sirius felt offended, “Why would you say that? Christ, I thought I fit in quite well here. Before _this._ ”

Remus ran a hand through his hair.

“Sirius… You’re from a huge city. In California. Your family was – they raised you in a private boarding school. You went to gay clubs and, and you drive expensive cars.” Sirius glared at him with those pretty, threshing-floor eyes. Demanding without words that he speak more clearly. Remus huffed out a sort of desperate single laugh. “You have to think about the way you looked to me, rolling up to my house in that fucking car, strolling around like you owned the place, looking at me the way you did. I had no fucking idea what you were doing here, less every day. I’m still waiting for you to tell me, for you to figure out how odd it is that you ended up here.”

“That I _ended up_ here – I _came_ here, on purpose.” He said cuttingly.

“ _Here?_ ” Remus turned toward him, “To _Valentine,_ Texas? There aren’t five hundred people living here.”

“ _You_ live here.” Sirius pressed, mixed between confusion and anger and warmth.

“On a _fucking cattle_ ranch!” Remus finally raised his voice, staring hard at him. “In the _country!_ You have to drive two hours to get to a town with a police station or a coffee shop, you came from San Francisco, I mean what the hell. You don’t think it’s a bit of a change? From what you’re used to? You have to understand if I’m wondering if this is real to you.”

“ _Fuck you,_ don’t you dare say shit like that to me. You think this is all some fun little extensive tour around the real world? Coming out here for something to do when I’m bored?” He stared at him. “I think the fun would have worn off by now.”

Remus spoke quickly, “Do you remember when you said you couldn’t stand to get bored? I mean, I do this every day. You’ve been here, maybe two months, this is the year for me. Every year. And it’s the same job the whole time, there are only so many surprises. What if you get bored?”

“ _Then we’ll take a fucking vacation!”_

Remus didn’t flinch from him, like one should. Just blinked and breathed deeply, locked on him and his fury. The silence stretched.

“Sirius.” He spoke, swallowing, maybe just as off footed as he was. “I just want you to _think_ about what staying here would actually be like. I just want to know that you’ve at least considered the reality of things. Here. Think about if _you_ would be happy here. In six months. In a year.” He stopped there but the implication of so much more stood before him like an unspoken animal threatening to kill them with the future like a knife held on them, daring their throats and daring their intentions.

Asking if he could see himself here to stay.

Sirius just stared back, breathing just too quickly.

“Because… Because I _need_ you to think about this now, think about if you want to make something here or leave. At least take some time to decide now, instead of in a year or two years, instead of waiting until later when I can’t…”

He stopped short, as if his body had decided it was enough, stopped his mouth for him. To save him from what he had to say.

Always protecting himself. _Always._ Even now, after a critical moment of weakness that Sirius had stepped right through.

At this point, Sirius realized that Remus’ guard wasn’t just something he was habitual to. It was a wall. A wall Remus could drive straight into the earth, wherever and whenever he pleased, with perfect ease. He and his wall were champions. It was only until now that Sirius recognized how exempt he was from this part of him. Privileged out of it. Remus had let him walk right in.

Like any of the privileges Sirius had been given to, it had taken him time to learn that he had it. And now Remus was looking between him and that stonewall again.

For a moment, Remus watched him think, because every thought was so plain on his face.

He imagined himself here, every day, imagined what Remus was laying out for him to inspect. Imagined what Remus was asking him to. And he wondered as well, at how far from home he’d come. How had he gotten here. To the edge of the west, to the edge of the farthest town, to the end of the longest dirt road, to the last star.

But another thought, singular underneath the milling hundreds of doubts, weighed like a stone dropped in Truth’s well. Weighed as much as the rest, to balance the tipping scales.

“I want to be with you.” Sirius said.

Their eyes held each other’s gaze as if nothing else existed. Remus, maybe for the first time, was easy to read.

“I want to be with you.” Remus said back, telling him _you’re not alone in that._

Sirius swallowed, drawing his unstable breath, eyes shocked with his own uncertainty; he had no idea where to go from here. With the nakedness Remus had stripped them to.

Remus took the silence and regained some kind of steadiness in his eyes.

“Listen.” He said. “Why don’t you just take some time. Go stay with James for a few days, however long… Just get some space and see how you feel. If you want to come back.”

“And if I do?” Sirius blurted. Remus’ hand squeezed the rail, strained, despite the perfect calm on his face.

“Then you know where I am.” He said.

Where he’d be then, and in ten years for all they knew.

Sirius swallowed and his eyes blurred for a disorienting moment. He blinked, lashes fluttering, clearing his eyes.

“Sirius.” Remus said and he saw him lean toward him minutely, as if his body screamed to fix it, the thing he’d freely done.

Sirius stepped back, looking down.

“No- I,” He managed. He nodded. “Okay. I will.”

Something in Remus strained, under his skin, but visible still.

“Okay.” Sirius said again and nodded, standing still for a moment more and looking at him. Hardly able to take his eyes off him like he’d been since that first god forsaken moment.

There were no gods or ghosts with them when they’d met. They were on their own. Chancing their love on each other, with no one but one another to guide them. In no one’s hands but their own.

If there was a god watching them, any lap that they lay in, it was the desert. Giving them a space and a time and letting them be.

Sirius nodded once more and pulled the kitchen door, passing through the house to the front. He forgot his jacket on the back of the couch, mind so overrun he could only think to get to his car.

He turned the key and turned around. The car radio crackled to through the speakers as he left, taking off down the lane. He hadn’t turned it off when he’d gotten out earlier. He held both hands on the wheel, driving at thirty or forty, hardly seeing what was ahead of him.

He didn’t think enough to turn off the radio. The signal was poor this far from town, patchy and hard to hear at best.

Sirius kept driving. Eventually, he couldn’t see - again. He blinked at the swimming in his vision, pushing the gear into neutral and breaking until the car came to a stop in the middle of the dust floating away from the tread.

He didn’t know why, but he cried. He covered his face in his hands, gasping through the tears.

_Spread your tiny wings and fly away, and take the snow back with you where it came from on that day. The one I love forever is untrue, and if I could you know that I would fly away with you._

He let out a short little sob, unsure exactly why he was crying.

He quieted, face hidden his hands, eyes squeezed tight shut and face contorted in hurt. He gasped for his air and managed to slow his tears. He wiped his eyes and sat there as the song changed and he stared at the road ahead of him.

He shifted the gear into first and rolled forward.

  


  


* * *

_two weeks later_

The wheels on the Impala hummed down highway 90. Sirius wore his hair tied back. He didn’t feel wonderful despite how he loved these drives. But he felt better than he had done, lately.

The heat always helped him. This highway had become a good place to hide. The midday melted the far ends of the asphalt, making it seem like little puddles had formed, puddles that disappeared before you could get to them. He liked the rolled down window, the stifling buffet of the wind. The warmth was so oppressive it gave him a distraction.

Next month, October, would bring the first breaks in the summer. Temperatures, near the end of the month, would dip temperamentally with cold snaps.

For now the edges of his hair still clung to his temples. Thankfully. He didn’t want the change just now.

He turned on the correct lane, tires rolling off the tar onto dirt and rocks, slow and unhurried.

He looked up at the sign over the open gate when he passed underneath, fingers curling into the wheel.

When he pulled up to The Last Star, he felt loud. He hoped the car would announce him, but also hoped it wouldn’t scream his name. He felt out of step with the place and it discomforted him harshly.

He sat in the cab for a moment, engine off, looking at the house. It was lunchtime. He was probably where he should be. He lingered and looked at the barn. It felt like it had been long enough for him to need a reminder, of the open entryway, the buckets leaned outside.

He took a breath and sighed it out. Wondering where he’d be in an hour.

_There’s only one way to find out._

He pushed the door and stepped out. Thought of James for a second and all of their conversations and gathered up their shared courage. It wasn’t too hard to find. He made his way up to the steps, climbing and relaxing at the familiar sound of them.

He knocked on the door.

He waited, beginning to think he’d have to check the barn or look for a missing saddle or horse, to find him. He was just about to knock another time when the doorknob shifted from a hand on the other side. Sirius watched it turn, looking up in a second to see him.

Remus blinked those wide, black tea eyes at him.

“Hi.” Remus said.

“Hey.” His own lips curled up slightly. Remus caught up, stepping away and opening the door wider.

“Did you want to come in?”

“Yes, thank you.” Sirius stepped in and his arms crossed over himself to hold each other. He couldn’t forget the smell of him. Stepping back into the house and the scent of his life, it tugged at his mind. He looked around, at records strung around the living room floor, as if he was organizing them. The place looked… shuffled.

“I was in the middle of cleaning.” Remus explained, politely, looking at the living room as well.

“I see,” Sirius murmured. His eyes caught some album art. “Are those new? I hadn’t known you had those.”

“No, I just got back from the shops, I picked up some new ones.”

Sirius hummed and nodded understanding, filing away all the little differences. He stilled when his eyes caught the back of the couch. His jacket was there. It was draped in the exact way he would throw it coming from the door.

It hadn’t moved since he’d left it here.

“Did you want to go sit down or…” Remus asked. Hands shoved in his pockets.

“Yes, I would like that.” Sirius relaxed, followed him into the kitchen. There were fresh groceries out and around the counters and table.

“Did you want something to drink?” Remus offered.

“I’m alright.” Sirius shook his head, “I just want a smoke.”

Remus led them on the porch and they sat on the bench together. Sirius sat back instantly, pulling the pack from his pocket and flicking the top, pulling one out briskly, holding it between his fingers as he leaned over to pick up the ash tray and set it between them on the seat. He didn’t offer him one.

His awareness watched Remus, naturally. He was his normal self, for the most part. Sat normally, expressions polite and cool as usual. There was though, a slight draw to him, somehow. Like suffering from exposure, minding a sunburn. Movements slower. Like he was dealing with an ache.

Sirius took a first soothing drag.

It was a tenderness. Sirius felt it on him as they sat quietly for a few moments. He was collected and easy going as always. But that softness. Weathered. Worn out. It lingered. And he didn’t seem determined to hide it, though he certainly could.

So it hadn’t been a comfortable two weeks for either of them.

Sirius crossed an arm over his front and propped his elbow on it, crossed his long legs and slouched into the bench. He’d been chain smoking for comfort but he wasn’t going to mention it now. He hadn’t been drinking – that was a wonderful sign.

Remus spoke, “You left your jacket here.”

“Yes, you caught me off guard the other day.” His tone dried, a brow raised. His glance slid over to him wryly.

Remus huffed slightly, the shade of a goodhearted smile on his lips. He rubbed his brow.

“Yeah. Sorry about that.”

Sirius’ lips quirked down once and he didn’t say anything, just flicked ash into the tray sharply. He took a pull and let the smoke out, “S’alright.” He mumbled.

“How have you been.” Remus asked, propping his folded arm on the back of the seat and turning to him just a bit.

“Alright.” He shrugged. “What have you been up to?”

Remus took the change of focus with grace, granting him time. “Just keeping up with things around here. Taking care of the cattle sale.”

“Sale?” Sirius frowned curiously. Remus nodded.

“Mhm,” He rasped. “That just passed.”

“All of them?”

Remus smiled and laughed under his breath. “No, not all of them. Just some of them.”

Sirius blinked thoughtfully, humming and thinking of how much he missed the horses. The air around them relaxed and they grew comfortable to be on familiar ground again. They talked about the farm and caught up about all the little things that had passed recently and the work and the machines and the animals.

Eventually Remus tried again, “What about you?”

Sirius lit a second cigarette and took a big breath in and sighed it out, “Hm,” looking out over the field. “Well, I took a drive around.”

“Where to?”

“Well,” Sirius croaked on an exhale, flicking ash. “James and I actually. Took a little road trip. We took four or five days and just saw the sights. Went up through Odessa and Lubbock. Stopped at Amarillo and came back.”

“That sounds fun.”

Sirius remembered it, thinking about the constant hum of the tires. He’d wanted so much just to get on the safety of the road, inside a moving car.

James had thought it was a good idea to take a look around at the areas nearby. The last two weeks he had hovered on Sirius like a bee tending a hive, noticing a need from him and converging on it promptly. Sirius would always be his closest companion, a partner, like the other side of a coin. They were a unit that treated each other’s needs like their own. When one faltered, the other thought nothing of pausing to mind the problem. They conspired with each other about all of life, the same way they had done about how best to cause trouble in school.

He’d sat in the driver’s seat and patted his arm, comforting. Sirius had thought and thought and thought. And stared at everything they passed, inspected the cities with an evaluating eye. And spent a lot of time, stopped in parking lots, talking with James.

“It was alright.” Sirius shrugged. “I hear there’s some pretty cool things to see in New Mexico. And some… neat parks around this area. But it was fine.” He paused and staring at his knee thoughtfully. “They’re just other towns. They’re all alike.”

“Yeah.” Remus agreed quietly.

Sirius thought for a moment back to James. When Sirius had got to the apartment, later that night James came in – he’d known just looking at him something had passed. So he stuck to his side within arms reach. It calmed him down. Made him feel like he could think.

Remus had turned more forward to stare off again. Sirius looked at him, reminding himself of details he’d never forget. The scar on his lip. The way his hair curled around his ear. The way he sat.

“I thought about what you said.” Sirius said. Remus blinked, expression just slightly shifted.

“Thank you.” He said. Sirius wanted to laugh but only in a precarious distant part of his mind that hated the distance between their bodies.

“I do understand.” He said, rolling the dying cigarette between his fingers. “Why you wanted to talk.”

Remus nodded, eyes sliding to his hand. He was back to that considering manner. Like when Sirius had gone on about how right they were, how wrong everyone else was, how there had been people just like them since forever. Remus would sit quietly, nodding in that considerate way, so you could watch him listen.

Now Remus watched his long fingers stub out the cigarette, giving himself back the sight of his pretty hands.

“I talked with James about it.” Sirius murmured, “He thought you had a good point about bringing it up. He helped me think about it, a little bit.”

Remus didn’t seem to be willing or able to say anything, silent as he waited for him to talk. Not wanting to look at him.

“I think you should know that I could hardly sleep at night because I wasn’t tired enough.” Sirius explained drily. “I got used to the work here. Felt weird without it.”

Remus smiled weakly and laughed under his breath.

“I’ve always had a lot of energy.” Sirius said slowly, as if explaining something. “This place certainly put it to good use. There’s always something to do.”

Remus hummed in understanding.

“And I’ve been looking…” He struggled to think of how to explain himself. “For honest work- for honest… anything, for a long time. Growing up in my house… it makes you want something real. I’m always looking, have always been looking, for those things.”

 _Something real and something that makes sense and something that doesn’t threaten to change when I understand it most, I felt out of step when I was gone, I tossed at night, my body didn’t feel as hungry at lunch and dinner, I had to work on the trains just to keep my mind busy, I haven’t seen Ma’am in weeks, and I didn’t have our routines anymore, and my own damned bed felt wrong, and_ you. You, you, you _._

He thought about how his jacket had not moved from the place it had fallen from his hand two weeks ago. Remus hadn’t even folded it, put it on a coat rack, moved it out of the way. He’d left it there.

Waiting.

“I think you under sell this place.” Sirius said.

Remus finally spoke up, “Sorry. I think it has its charm.”

“It’s worthy of more than just you.”

Remus looked at him. The quiet lulled.

“I know you’ve been here alone since your mother died.” Sirius said, dared to bring her into this, in the naked light of day. But he called her gently and respectfully. “But it’s not just supposed to be that way. This place doesn’t have to be just for you. It can be a home if you let it.”

Remus seemed to be still at these words, as if any next second would hurt him.

“You don’t have to wonder why I’m here.” Sirius said. Looked at him. Built a bridge patiently between them. “I know you agree, I do well here. I _like_ it here. But I don’t need to create a case for being here. I’m here because you’re here. And I want to be where you are. It’s not more than that.”

Remus stared ahead, his jaw tight. Sirius let him cling to the quiet for a moment before speaking again.

“You’re right, it is different – _very_ different – here than what I knew before. But, as far as I’m concerned, good. And I don’t want to leave.”

Remus managed an even breath and looked down at his feet, “I don’t want you to leave, either.”

Something, a lingering knot in his chest, loosed at his words. Comforted and assuaged instantly by his acknowledgment.

“Good.” He murmured. Remus smiled slightly and nodded.

“What about…” Remus cleared his throat. “What about Regulus. You would go so long without seeing him.”

“I did in California, too. He lives in Cambridge. Massachusetts. And _I’m_ not moving there. It’s not ideal, but we’ll make plans to visit each other. I’ll go to his graduation - _fuck_ our parents - and we’ll keep writing each other. I’ll have to tell him all about the absolute scare you’ve given me.”

Remus stuttered a laugh like it was dragged painfully out of him, “Oh no.”

“Oh yes.” Sirius smiled smugly. “Don’t worry.” He rolled his eyes. “You and he are both the horribly sensible types, he’ll think you perfectly reasonable… James thought it was a fair question for you to ask… I think most people would think so, but you’re stuck with me. Sorry.”

Remus’ brow furrowed over his soft smile. He wanted to be stuck with him.

“What about James.” Remus said, even the tone of his voice betraying that this was a final, heavier concern for him.

“ _James_ has been shopping for a ring.” Remus blinked up at him in surprise. “He’s going to propose to Lily. And he talked with her about me – and you – and they both think it would be just fine to stay here. At least to start a life. And there are airports a few hours drive from here. It’s not like we can’t take a flight to visit family. In fact, I talked to the Potters on the phone the other day, they’re pretty eager to come visit themselves.”

“Yeah.” Remus breathed. “That would be… good. A good idea.”

“Yes.” Sirius turned to face him. “And I meant what I said. We can afford to hire someone to take care of the farm, James can house sit, I don’t care how, but we would take time off. Time away. Me, yes, but you as well. Just to get away and see something else.”

_You need to take time off, and you need to slow down and share this work._

“Yeah.” Remus nodded, palms shifting on his thighs, breathing deeply.

“I missed you.” Sirius said. Remus exhaled sharply and reached across the space and grabbed his hand, gently at first but squeezed once accepted.

“I missed you, too.” He looked at their hands. “Look, I know it seemed like- I’m not asking you to know what you’re going to want in a year. If things change, of course, it’s fine. It’s fine. I don’t want you to feel like you have to know now. I just wanted you to think about it… like I was thinking about it.”

“I am.” Sirius said. Thinking he’d finally found someone who wouldn’t mind how all or nothing he could be about things. “I know what you mean. But I think I want the same thing you do.”

Remus seemed strung tight. Sirius felt strung tight himself and thought he’d been reasonable _quite long enough_ for today. He scooted closer and lifted his hand toward him, to pull him in. Remus wrapped his arms around him promptly, drew him in and held him close, hid his face in his shoulder. Sirius squeezed his arms around his shoulders, ready to fold his legs up in his lap and just disappear for a moment.

“I love you.” Sirius whispered into his neck. He’d missed this place. The lock of their bodies. The sound of his breathing.

“I love you, too.” Remus mumbled.

“I know this is so, so not the time, but I have to be honest, I really would like to just fuck.”

Remus laughed brightly against him, drawing back to kiss him. Sirius kissed back and in a moment, as he caught up, there was the sigh. Remus pressed their foreheads together.

“I told James I would invite him over tonight, we wanted to have dinner together and talk about proposing to Lily.”

“Good.” Remus exhaled, “Good.” He kissed him again. “Should probably give it a few hours before that, though.”

Sirius pulled back, reached up and slid the tie from his hair, letting it down.

Saying, _you’ll have to pull my hair, of course, please and thank you._

Remus smiled wondrously.

“We’ll figure it out in a bit.” Sirius murmured. Both of them soothed at the idea.

When Remus leaned forward as if to stand, Sirius paused him.

“Yes.” Remus turned to him, a hand propped on the back of the seat. Sirius sat up primly and relaxed.

“I forgot to add a plan for the future. I want a cat.”

Remus blinked at him, face pinched, “You want _a cat?_ ”

“Yes.” He nodded with a proper little smile. “A cat. Well, a kitten. And I _do not_ want an outdoor cat. I don’t mind if they hunt the mice, or whatever, around the barn but I want the kitten in the house.”

Remus took a moment to work through this, with some effort. “What about Pitch? We have a dog.”

“I want a cat.” Sirius said pleasantly. “I’m sure Pitch will be just fine with it, she’s such a lovely girl.”

“Alright.” Remus lifted his brows and shook his head slightly, “Okay. That’s fine.”

Sirius beamed and sat forward eagerly, but before he stood said flippantly. “Just a little kitten, it’s not like a goat or anything.”

Remus gave him a very serious look that stopped him short just as he went to stand up. What might be considered a threatening look, that very clearly made Sirius believe that no goats would survive on this ranch.

“No goats!” Sirius said amiably, nodding with an amused smile.

“No goats.” Remus said, heavily certain.

Sirius barked a laugh and took the hand offered to pull him up, followed him into the kitchen and toward the stairs, while Remus grumbled about cat hair. Sirius didn’t say anything, but he fully expected to catch Remus around the house with an arm full of cat, and he couldn’t wait.

He caught sight of his jacket thrown over the couch.

He was glad to have it back. He’d be glad to pick it up again. Disturb its rest there, hang it on the backs of the kitchen chairs and drop it on the couch in the study.

He’d get back to it soon.

With a happy giggle he tripped up the stairs and let Remus help him, holding hands all the way.

  


* * *

  


_Then said Almitra, Speak to us of Love._

_And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:_

_When love beckons you, follow him,_

_Though his ways are hard and steep._

_And when his wings enfold you yield to him,_

_Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you._

_And when he speaks to you believe in him,_

_Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden._

_For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning._

_Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,_

_So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth._


End file.
